Fast Forward to Today

Image the rollercoaster of emotions that has been the last 18 months:

A cycle is 28 days(ish). Every cycle begins with an intense hope and certainty. This will be the month that all the stars align. While there are things that you can do to try to help things along the active role played by Dusty and I was pretty brief. The days were all marked out and we were excited. We were doing something! The beginning was filled with taking medication to help increase the natural response of the body to the cycle. We had a monitoring ultrasound every month (don't worry, I won't get into the gory details, but it isn't just a probe on the skin to look at things) and were given the greenlight that all was in order and teed up. This is where our brief active part came into play. This was followed by a 2 week period of doing nothing but waiting. Waiting and hoping that something worked this time. That this month would be different than the last. At first I was paranoid and refused to let the cats sit on my tummy or get highlights in my hair or get a massage. I didn't want anything to interfere. I even stopped jogging. I stopped living my life. Then it became intense. The end of the cycle was drawing near and in a day or two I would know. The preceeding 27 days would culminate in such joy. Each time the word "NOT" showed up before "PREGNANT" on the stick was a major crash and burn. Tears, anger, worry. I can't begin to convey the let down. It couldn't last too long though before it was time to start all over again. I can't remember how many times I said to myself "Next month. It will happen. There is always a next month."

But the next months kept adding up. The cycle became predictable. I started to feel helpless, like there was nothing I could do to make it work. My role was limited in reality. My body had to do the rest. One last hope laid upon a test to look more closely at everything. I started hoping that there was something wrong, just so that it could be fixed. Maybe then it would work. But that test came (and that was very unpleasant) and again nothing was wrong. I'm young, thin, active, healthy. So is Dusty. Why can't we get pregnant???? But sometimes there just isn't an answer.

We finally made the decision to cash in the chips and move on last month. I just wanted to wait one more cycle to make sure we were not stopping too soon. I had begun to look into other options a long time prior and had made my peace with everything. It was time to move on.

Now I am back to hyperactive mode. Once the forms were signed and faxed in I started to get information about the next steps. And you know what? I am happy. I am at peace and I feel convinced that this is the right choice for us. There are so many children who need someone to love them. And I need someone to love. It is a perfect match. It feels good to be active again. To feel like I have a part to play in this and that motion on my part, that hardwork and determination can once again move us toward our goal. I am no longer a passive rider. I can work hard and make this happen.