A big, huge THANK YOU to everyone out there for all of the support, prayers and thoughts these past few days (and all the months prior as well). We certainly needed every single one of them to help get us through. We can never express how we feel to all of you enough.
Well, as of 5 pm pST today the adoption became irrevocable. The birthmother can not come back at this point and take him back :) We are sooo excited and can't eblieve what a wonderful gift we have received. Christmas this year will be the best ever!!!
There are still hoops to go through and things to do (such as revoke the birth father rights in 30 days), but for now all we care about is that we finally have our son. Thank you for joining along for the ride so far. Lets hope the rest is easy!!
We will keep you guys updated once Phase 3 of 3 gets started and all the new information we get. Next step, however, is getting our butts back home. Hopefully we will find out tomorrow if we can still leave on Saturday or not.
Thanks again and we will let you know more as we do!
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
She signed :)
Wow, what an emotional disaster this has been! I am sooo glad that our relationship is so strong and that the two of us can lean on each other or else I don't know what I would have done. Being so far away from everything familiar is really hard too.
The social worker drove back up here to meet with the birth mother again this afternoon with the forms that were not signed the first time, including the waiver. The first meeting had taken over 2 hours and resulted in forms not getting signed in the end. This time I got a text from the social worker 20 minutes past 12pm saying that everything was completed.
Now the adoption will become irrevocable at 5pm tomorrow PST. 11 1/2 hours to go :) I have refrained from posting any pictures until it is irrevocable, so hang in there. Tomorrow evening you will get bombarded with cuteness :)
The other good news is that she signed additional forms that the state of Wisconsin doesn't really require, but is nice to have. These forms apparently make the process go quicker. They were sent in tonight by Fed Ex. There is still a small chance we get to go home and get our "real" lives started on Saturday. They will keep us posted and let us know how it is going. This step is completely out of our agency's control, so we just have to keep waiting.
This entire becoming a parent journey has been a lesson in patience and waiting without going crazy, I swear. Each step just involves more and more waiting and allowing things to move forward from the first attempts to get pregnant, through the fertility trials and into the beginnings of the adoption process, to being matched to present. It is definitely not for the faint of heart.
I had read once on another blog that I follow that if you could see the entire journey before you started, would you have the nerve to even begin it? It was an intriguing question to me and one that I have kept going back to. The answer in this case is a resounding - YES! Wyatt is worth every tear, every held breath, every moment of tense waiting. I wouldn't skip knowing him for the world.
Hang in there with us a little longer please!!!
The social worker drove back up here to meet with the birth mother again this afternoon with the forms that were not signed the first time, including the waiver. The first meeting had taken over 2 hours and resulted in forms not getting signed in the end. This time I got a text from the social worker 20 minutes past 12pm saying that everything was completed.
Now the adoption will become irrevocable at 5pm tomorrow PST. 11 1/2 hours to go :) I have refrained from posting any pictures until it is irrevocable, so hang in there. Tomorrow evening you will get bombarded with cuteness :)
The other good news is that she signed additional forms that the state of Wisconsin doesn't really require, but is nice to have. These forms apparently make the process go quicker. They were sent in tonight by Fed Ex. There is still a small chance we get to go home and get our "real" lives started on Saturday. They will keep us posted and let us know how it is going. This step is completely out of our agency's control, so we just have to keep waiting.
This entire becoming a parent journey has been a lesson in patience and waiting without going crazy, I swear. Each step just involves more and more waiting and allowing things to move forward from the first attempts to get pregnant, through the fertility trials and into the beginnings of the adoption process, to being matched to present. It is definitely not for the faint of heart.
I had read once on another blog that I follow that if you could see the entire journey before you started, would you have the nerve to even begin it? It was an intriguing question to me and one that I have kept going back to. The answer in this case is a resounding - YES! Wyatt is worth every tear, every held breath, every moment of tense waiting. I wouldn't skip knowing him for the world.
Hang in there with us a little longer please!!!
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Quick update: Wyatt got his first bath tonight! No more stinky baby :)
The birth mother called and spoke to our lawyer today. Apparently she did not like how the forms were filled out. Who knows? She is claiming that she didn this for us. I'm too emotionally drained to spend what little I have left on her. All I care about right now is Wyatt.
She was calmed down and informed how her actions hurt us. She said if the papers are fixed she will sign tomorrow. The social worker is meeting her again at 12 tomorrow to sign the remaining papers including the waiver. She said she would sign and had them emailed to her tonight so she can read them first. She swore up and down to me she would sign. And then ended the call by saying not to cry or worry if something happens and she doesnt sign again. What?! Whatever. Actions speak louder than words and I'm too worn out to play her mind games.
We will see what tomorrow at 12 brings.
The birth mother called and spoke to our lawyer today. Apparently she did not like how the forms were filled out. Who knows? She is claiming that she didn this for us. I'm too emotionally drained to spend what little I have left on her. All I care about right now is Wyatt.
She was calmed down and informed how her actions hurt us. She said if the papers are fixed she will sign tomorrow. The social worker is meeting her again at 12 tomorrow to sign the remaining papers including the waiver. She said she would sign and had them emailed to her tonight so she can read them first. She swore up and down to me she would sign. And then ended the call by saying not to cry or worry if something happens and she doesnt sign again. What?! Whatever. Actions speak louder than words and I'm too worn out to play her mind games.
We will see what tomorrow at 12 brings.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Bad News :(
As I am writing this Wyatt is crying in the background because Dusty is changing him and he hates to be changed. It is fitting though because Dusty is also in tears. I, however, am not. Why? Because I sobbed so hard I started vomiting in the Rite Aide parking lot and figured if I was to keep any sort of sanity it had to stop. For now at least.
This is going to be the hardest week of our lives. I don't even know how to do it or if I even can. It would help if family or friends were around to be here, but then again maybe it would just make saying goodbye that much harder with people around also crying, so maybe this is for the better.
As most should know by now, the birth mother signed all the papers except the 30 day waiver which waives her right to have 30 days to change her mind and change it to 5 pm tomorrow. Why is this so important? Because nobody trusts that she won't keep stringing us along for the rest of our lives as a power trip. She actually almost didn't sign anything - she was in a terrible mood for some reason and over a form that meant nothing almost walked out of the place. She was calmed back down, but refused to sign the waiver.
I talked to our lawyer and here is where we stand with this. We have all the paperwork we need to start the process of getting permission to go home. The agency will keep moving forward with that process. Our lawyer said that if by the time we get the okay to leave and go home, she still has not signed the waiver we are to give him back to her and not take him home. Why? Because they see her as revoking the placement at day 30 then refiling the placement paperwork only to give herself 30 more days etc... for a life long power trip and ability to have control over us. As much as we already adore Wyatt and the very thought of saying goodbye kills us to the core and leaves us hollow, we can't do that. We just can't.
He is going to call her again tomorrow over a few other forms she wouldn't sign and talk to her. He has some tricks up his sleeve and the hope is that her pendulum swings back to a level of sanity and she signs. If that doesn't work, he thinks that if we tell her to come get the baby we can't take him home and live in that much fear for that long, she will just sign. We can't push her too hard though because she has the right to file a law suit against us for the next 3 years if she felt coerced, bribed or otherwise forced into the placement. We have a thin line to tread.
So what are we doing? Heading as far away from Modesto as possible and heading south. We made it about 1-2 hours South before Wyatt got fussy over the lack of being held for so long. We will love him and head further south tomorrow. I don't know how we are supposed to love him so much for the next week just to say goodbye to him. But he deserves a good week if thats all we are allowed to give him and I won't take that away from him. Someone said that they had an adoption fall through and were happy in the end because it gave them the child they ended up with. I don't feel that way at all. I will forever, for the rest of my life love Wyatt and will forever think of him and miss him and wonder how he is doing. Even if we say goodbye on Saturday.
This is the single worst thing I can imagine to happen to someone. She doesn't love him. She has never even touched him. She just wants to have power over us. A part of me thinks we are bad people if we walk away from him. But how can we keep doing this? It wouldn't be healthy for him in the long run to have parents always looking over their shoulders and crying.
Please pray to whoever you believe in and keep us in your thoughts. We are devastated and hollow, but will be dedicated to love Wyatt for the next week because he is amazing and perfect and deserves everything in life. We just wish we could be the ones to give it to him. God help us if we do have to say goodbye because I really think it just might kill us.
This is going to be the hardest week of our lives. I don't even know how to do it or if I even can. It would help if family or friends were around to be here, but then again maybe it would just make saying goodbye that much harder with people around also crying, so maybe this is for the better.
As most should know by now, the birth mother signed all the papers except the 30 day waiver which waives her right to have 30 days to change her mind and change it to 5 pm tomorrow. Why is this so important? Because nobody trusts that she won't keep stringing us along for the rest of our lives as a power trip. She actually almost didn't sign anything - she was in a terrible mood for some reason and over a form that meant nothing almost walked out of the place. She was calmed back down, but refused to sign the waiver.
I talked to our lawyer and here is where we stand with this. We have all the paperwork we need to start the process of getting permission to go home. The agency will keep moving forward with that process. Our lawyer said that if by the time we get the okay to leave and go home, she still has not signed the waiver we are to give him back to her and not take him home. Why? Because they see her as revoking the placement at day 30 then refiling the placement paperwork only to give herself 30 more days etc... for a life long power trip and ability to have control over us. As much as we already adore Wyatt and the very thought of saying goodbye kills us to the core and leaves us hollow, we can't do that. We just can't.
He is going to call her again tomorrow over a few other forms she wouldn't sign and talk to her. He has some tricks up his sleeve and the hope is that her pendulum swings back to a level of sanity and she signs. If that doesn't work, he thinks that if we tell her to come get the baby we can't take him home and live in that much fear for that long, she will just sign. We can't push her too hard though because she has the right to file a law suit against us for the next 3 years if she felt coerced, bribed or otherwise forced into the placement. We have a thin line to tread.
So what are we doing? Heading as far away from Modesto as possible and heading south. We made it about 1-2 hours South before Wyatt got fussy over the lack of being held for so long. We will love him and head further south tomorrow. I don't know how we are supposed to love him so much for the next week just to say goodbye to him. But he deserves a good week if thats all we are allowed to give him and I won't take that away from him. Someone said that they had an adoption fall through and were happy in the end because it gave them the child they ended up with. I don't feel that way at all. I will forever, for the rest of my life love Wyatt and will forever think of him and miss him and wonder how he is doing. Even if we say goodbye on Saturday.
This is the single worst thing I can imagine to happen to someone. She doesn't love him. She has never even touched him. She just wants to have power over us. A part of me thinks we are bad people if we walk away from him. But how can we keep doing this? It wouldn't be healthy for him in the long run to have parents always looking over their shoulders and crying.
Please pray to whoever you believe in and keep us in your thoughts. We are devastated and hollow, but will be dedicated to love Wyatt for the next week because he is amazing and perfect and deserves everything in life. We just wish we could be the ones to give it to him. God help us if we do have to say goodbye because I really think it just might kill us.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
A rollercoast of emotions
I'll start at the end to erase any super fears...we have Wyatt with us in the hotel which means that the birth mother signed a form allowing us to take him with us. She is still currently admitted and the plan so far is for her to be discharged tomorrow and sign the papers Monday if things go well.
Ok..so what all has happened???
It started with our flight. I wanted to get to the airport a half hour earlier than my usual paranoid 2 hours because we had a lot of baby stuff and no baby and I was worried that they would question us about that. We got there 3 hours before the flight (no traffic) and sailed through a no line security area. We had time for breakfast so we ate at Chilis and then bought a couple books to read. When we got to our gate they informed us that the weather in San Fran was terrible and we were delayed a half hour. No big deal. Well, a half and hour turned into 2 hours and we were getting worried we never would get there and have to come up with a plan B. Stress level - mild - moderate. We eventually left and had a bumpy 4 hour flight.
We made it in time to get a rental car and meet up with the birth mother for dinner at Outback. She said that she was told to get to the hospital at 5 am and that if she is ready early she could go early, but her scheduled time was 7:30 am. We met her there at 5 am (we actually got there at the same time and walked in with her) and we got to hang out in her pre-op room. She was very, very nervous about the spinal due to a previous bad experience and asked for a general, but they refused to do it. We ended up getting bumped for an emergency c-section, but the communication from the staff was horrendous and we had to track people down to get information. She kept getting more and more worked up the entire time and finally she was taken 2 hours late (there is a theme here). Stress level - mild for us, pretty darn high for her.
I was told to wait outside the OR and once she was prepped and numb I would be brought back so see the birth. Well, as she anticipated the epidural did not go well and they eventually converted her to a general. I was not permitted in the room because it was a general now (not sure why though). Stress level - mild.
In the meantime Dusty was on the task of getting us a room. It was super, super, super important to our Birth mother that we never leave the baby's side and if he had to go to the nursery she would request him be brought to her room to stay. Chances of us getting him if that happened - zilch. This hospital is small and the people on staff Thursday morning didn't know what to do with us. We were told we couldn't have a room and that visitors had to leave every night by 11 pm (actually even the father had to leave at 11 pm and could return at 6 am which I found odd). Stress level - through the roof!! I tried to explain that we were not visitors - we are the adoptive parents, but they were not hearing it at all. I seriously felt like sobbing and giving up, but I didn't and we kept talking to anyone we could.
At 9:41am little baby Wyatt entered the world and the nicest nurse on the planet brought him to us and let us be with him in a pre-op room. She had cut the umbilical cord super long so that I could get a pic of me cutting it short (I LOVE the nurse!!) and we got to be with him and put his first diaper on. I am not allowing myself to post pictures until it is all final, but let me tell you - he is beautiful and perfect in every single little way :) She gave us private time with him and then we followed him up to the nursery where he would have to wait while his body temp came up and then could get a bath and then wait until it came back up and stabilized again. We stayed beside him the entire time and finally everyone got the idea that we were not going anywhere. I had called my agency and they were furious with the hospital saying they never ran into this before. They said our lawyer would get involved if it continued because they would be causing us to lose this baby. In the end the new nurses at shift change came through (sort of) for us and found us a place to stay. We got the nursing conference/break room which was still in the security area. Pros - we could keep Wyatt in there 24/7 and be with him non stop and it provided plenty of bonding time. Cons - no bed, no carpet, no TV, no windows, no bathroom, no internet, no thermostat. They did bring us a couple blankets and pillows, but sleeping on the hard tile floor in a room that went from 100 degrees to 40 randomly was no fun. The second night around 4 am they popped in and saw us on the floor and brought a recliner in which Dusty and I took turns sleeping in the night. I never wanted a bed more in my life or a shower!!! The lack of windows drove us stir crazy - almost literally. We each had to take breaks to go walk around outside. The hospital is super strcit and you can only have the baby in your room or the nursery or in transit to/from one to the other. This meant we couldn't take him for a little walk around the floor and were literally stuck in a small, cramped room with hard office chairs and nothing to do for 48 hours. He is worth every second of it though and I would do it again if we had to.
The birth mother had her own ups and downs. She awoke from the procedure feeling happy and content but then her family started pressuring her to see the baby. She had made up her mind that she didn't want to, but had a melt down of tears over it leading us to believe she was changing her mind. At one point she demanded to sign the papers threatening that if it waited a single day she wouldn't signs them, but she couldn't sign them due to the meds she had on board. Stress level - higher than I thought possible. We got in touch with our agent again and she got in touch with our social worker who is a godsend and talked her through it all. She stated she wasn't changing her mind about the adoption but did want to see him. Yesterday she came over to our sweat box and saw our situation and met the baby. She didn't hold him or touch him and left feeling content. She came back later with her mother and her 2 year old son who also just looked and the left. Her mom congratulated us on him which was surprising.
We have spent a lot more time than we anticipated with the birth mother. Her family abandoned her at the hospital and was sporadic with visiting when she needed support, so we stepped in an spent a lot of time with her. At first we went separately (Dusty would go as I watched Wyatt and then I would go when he got back) but then she started coming to our room and talking while we held Wyatt. It calmed her to see how much we bonded with him and loved him. It was hard on us though becasue she is so controlling and sometimes it is just hard to bite your tongue. We have managed so far though and only have a little longer to go.
She signed the paper allowing us to take him out of the hospital yesterday and we discharged (thank God!!!! We now have a bed!!!!) this afternoon. She wanted to be there for the discharge and was sad when we left. I told her we would visit in the morning and she brightened up a lot and then tonight she texted asking if we could do dinner at her favorite Mexican place tomorrow night. She should be discharged tomorrow afternoon and wants to wait to sign the paper Monday at 12 pm with our social worker. That means 2 things for us - 1 we have all day tomorrow to love him and snuggle with him with the horrid thought that she could take him away from us still and 2- our departure date of Saturday may not work and we may need to stay until the following tues - ouch!!!! We will see, but the paperwork can't get filed until Tuesday morning which only gives us a tiny window for things to occur. Given how it has gone so far, my hopes are not high. Places are closed over the weekend, so the earliest we could get approval would be Monday so maybe we could catch a late flight out but it would probably have to wait until Tuesday.
For now we are finally clean (1st shower since 4 am Thursday and incidentally first time I took my blue jeans off since then too - I think I may throw them away), have a soft place to sleep and a thermostat to control. We have a window, a tv and obviously internet. We have Wyatt and I honestly don't know how I would get through losing him at this point, so please keep up the support!!!!!!
Ok..so what all has happened???
It started with our flight. I wanted to get to the airport a half hour earlier than my usual paranoid 2 hours because we had a lot of baby stuff and no baby and I was worried that they would question us about that. We got there 3 hours before the flight (no traffic) and sailed through a no line security area. We had time for breakfast so we ate at Chilis and then bought a couple books to read. When we got to our gate they informed us that the weather in San Fran was terrible and we were delayed a half hour. No big deal. Well, a half and hour turned into 2 hours and we were getting worried we never would get there and have to come up with a plan B. Stress level - mild - moderate. We eventually left and had a bumpy 4 hour flight.
We made it in time to get a rental car and meet up with the birth mother for dinner at Outback. She said that she was told to get to the hospital at 5 am and that if she is ready early she could go early, but her scheduled time was 7:30 am. We met her there at 5 am (we actually got there at the same time and walked in with her) and we got to hang out in her pre-op room. She was very, very nervous about the spinal due to a previous bad experience and asked for a general, but they refused to do it. We ended up getting bumped for an emergency c-section, but the communication from the staff was horrendous and we had to track people down to get information. She kept getting more and more worked up the entire time and finally she was taken 2 hours late (there is a theme here). Stress level - mild for us, pretty darn high for her.
I was told to wait outside the OR and once she was prepped and numb I would be brought back so see the birth. Well, as she anticipated the epidural did not go well and they eventually converted her to a general. I was not permitted in the room because it was a general now (not sure why though). Stress level - mild.
In the meantime Dusty was on the task of getting us a room. It was super, super, super important to our Birth mother that we never leave the baby's side and if he had to go to the nursery she would request him be brought to her room to stay. Chances of us getting him if that happened - zilch. This hospital is small and the people on staff Thursday morning didn't know what to do with us. We were told we couldn't have a room and that visitors had to leave every night by 11 pm (actually even the father had to leave at 11 pm and could return at 6 am which I found odd). Stress level - through the roof!! I tried to explain that we were not visitors - we are the adoptive parents, but they were not hearing it at all. I seriously felt like sobbing and giving up, but I didn't and we kept talking to anyone we could.
At 9:41am little baby Wyatt entered the world and the nicest nurse on the planet brought him to us and let us be with him in a pre-op room. She had cut the umbilical cord super long so that I could get a pic of me cutting it short (I LOVE the nurse!!) and we got to be with him and put his first diaper on. I am not allowing myself to post pictures until it is all final, but let me tell you - he is beautiful and perfect in every single little way :) She gave us private time with him and then we followed him up to the nursery where he would have to wait while his body temp came up and then could get a bath and then wait until it came back up and stabilized again. We stayed beside him the entire time and finally everyone got the idea that we were not going anywhere. I had called my agency and they were furious with the hospital saying they never ran into this before. They said our lawyer would get involved if it continued because they would be causing us to lose this baby. In the end the new nurses at shift change came through (sort of) for us and found us a place to stay. We got the nursing conference/break room which was still in the security area. Pros - we could keep Wyatt in there 24/7 and be with him non stop and it provided plenty of bonding time. Cons - no bed, no carpet, no TV, no windows, no bathroom, no internet, no thermostat. They did bring us a couple blankets and pillows, but sleeping on the hard tile floor in a room that went from 100 degrees to 40 randomly was no fun. The second night around 4 am they popped in and saw us on the floor and brought a recliner in which Dusty and I took turns sleeping in the night. I never wanted a bed more in my life or a shower!!! The lack of windows drove us stir crazy - almost literally. We each had to take breaks to go walk around outside. The hospital is super strcit and you can only have the baby in your room or the nursery or in transit to/from one to the other. This meant we couldn't take him for a little walk around the floor and were literally stuck in a small, cramped room with hard office chairs and nothing to do for 48 hours. He is worth every second of it though and I would do it again if we had to.
The birth mother had her own ups and downs. She awoke from the procedure feeling happy and content but then her family started pressuring her to see the baby. She had made up her mind that she didn't want to, but had a melt down of tears over it leading us to believe she was changing her mind. At one point she demanded to sign the papers threatening that if it waited a single day she wouldn't signs them, but she couldn't sign them due to the meds she had on board. Stress level - higher than I thought possible. We got in touch with our agent again and she got in touch with our social worker who is a godsend and talked her through it all. She stated she wasn't changing her mind about the adoption but did want to see him. Yesterday she came over to our sweat box and saw our situation and met the baby. She didn't hold him or touch him and left feeling content. She came back later with her mother and her 2 year old son who also just looked and the left. Her mom congratulated us on him which was surprising.
We have spent a lot more time than we anticipated with the birth mother. Her family abandoned her at the hospital and was sporadic with visiting when she needed support, so we stepped in an spent a lot of time with her. At first we went separately (Dusty would go as I watched Wyatt and then I would go when he got back) but then she started coming to our room and talking while we held Wyatt. It calmed her to see how much we bonded with him and loved him. It was hard on us though becasue she is so controlling and sometimes it is just hard to bite your tongue. We have managed so far though and only have a little longer to go.
She signed the paper allowing us to take him out of the hospital yesterday and we discharged (thank God!!!! We now have a bed!!!!) this afternoon. She wanted to be there for the discharge and was sad when we left. I told her we would visit in the morning and she brightened up a lot and then tonight she texted asking if we could do dinner at her favorite Mexican place tomorrow night. She should be discharged tomorrow afternoon and wants to wait to sign the paper Monday at 12 pm with our social worker. That means 2 things for us - 1 we have all day tomorrow to love him and snuggle with him with the horrid thought that she could take him away from us still and 2- our departure date of Saturday may not work and we may need to stay until the following tues - ouch!!!! We will see, but the paperwork can't get filed until Tuesday morning which only gives us a tiny window for things to occur. Given how it has gone so far, my hopes are not high. Places are closed over the weekend, so the earliest we could get approval would be Monday so maybe we could catch a late flight out but it would probably have to wait until Tuesday.
For now we are finally clean (1st shower since 4 am Thursday and incidentally first time I took my blue jeans off since then too - I think I may throw them away), have a soft place to sleep and a thermostat to control. We have a window, a tv and obviously internet. We have Wyatt and I honestly don't know how I would get through losing him at this point, so please keep up the support!!!!!!
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
We are leaving tomorrow morning!!!!!!! :)
I am out of words to describe how excited and happy we are. We packed all the bags up a couple of days ago. Baby Wyatt's bag is heavy! We tried to pack the car seat base (the part that stays in the car) but it is way too big and we couldn't fit much else besides that in the bag so we decided to not bring it with us. If we get out there and can't just buckle the car seat itself into the car, we will just buy another one and fed ex it home when we leave. Outside of that we have clothes, diapers, formula, bottles, bottle liners, blankets and burp cloths for 7 days, pacifiers for the plane ride, a travel bassinet for use in the hotel, 1st aid kit, a&d ointment and I am sure I am missing some things. It takes up and entire large size suitcase :) Oh! and we have the diaper bag full that I will use as my purse.
Dusty has just a carry on for his clothes. I have a medium size suitcase for me. All we have left to pack is toiletries, phone and camera charges and travel boredom relievers (books and playing cards).
My last concern is how the airport will take to use travelling with all this baby stuff but no baby. We will see how that goes.
We will be dropping the pups off at our wonderful friends, the Shaws, farm for the time we are away. Our neighbors across the street from us will be stopping in to check on the cats. I think all systems are a go and we are as ready as we ever will be.
My next post will be after we leave the hospital and get to the hotel. Keep us in your thoughts that it goes well and that I will have happy news and pictures to post!!
I am out of words to describe how excited and happy we are. We packed all the bags up a couple of days ago. Baby Wyatt's bag is heavy! We tried to pack the car seat base (the part that stays in the car) but it is way too big and we couldn't fit much else besides that in the bag so we decided to not bring it with us. If we get out there and can't just buckle the car seat itself into the car, we will just buy another one and fed ex it home when we leave. Outside of that we have clothes, diapers, formula, bottles, bottle liners, blankets and burp cloths for 7 days, pacifiers for the plane ride, a travel bassinet for use in the hotel, 1st aid kit, a&d ointment and I am sure I am missing some things. It takes up and entire large size suitcase :) Oh! and we have the diaper bag full that I will use as my purse.
Dusty has just a carry on for his clothes. I have a medium size suitcase for me. All we have left to pack is toiletries, phone and camera charges and travel boredom relievers (books and playing cards).
My last concern is how the airport will take to use travelling with all this baby stuff but no baby. We will see how that goes.
We will be dropping the pups off at our wonderful friends, the Shaws, farm for the time we are away. Our neighbors across the street from us will be stopping in to check on the cats. I think all systems are a go and we are as ready as we ever will be.
My next post will be after we leave the hospital and get to the hotel. Keep us in your thoughts that it goes well and that I will have happy news and pictures to post!!
Saturday, November 24, 2012
5 days to go :)
I really and truly can not believe that it all comes down to just 5 more days. I am sooo excited that I am having difficulty concentrating and thinking about anything else. I have this weekend then Monday and Tuesday at work (how useful will I be??) and then we are off to California on Wednesday morning!
I got a call from the birthmother last week after she talked to her OB and she has a last appointment with her Wednesday at 10 am then has to meet with the pre-op team at 2 pm. We will be landing in California around 2ish and it is a 2 hour drive from the airport to her, so we should get to her around dinner time. She wants to go to Outback as her last pregnant meal so we will take her there and talk about the plan for the next day. I offered to take her to the hospital in the morning, but she declined.
She is slated to have her c-section begin at 7:30am Thursday so he should be born by 8am!!!!!!!!
5 days until I am finally a mom :) These are going to be some looooooong days.
Dusty called and talked with her for a while yesterday. He hadn't spoken with her since we visited her in October. All communication has basically gone through me, so I thought it would be nice if he touched base with her too. He said she sounded a little confused at first, but Dusty is sooooo much better at small talk and such than I am so they settled into it pretty quickly. She told him that she really wants to have him on Monday or Tuesday and have us come on Wednesday to take him home. If only it were that simple :) She reassured him that she won't be changing her mind which is great. I am still trying to remind myself that she could just so that it isn't so shocking if she does.
I will probably post one more time before we head out and then we will be gone. I will not be posting any photos or information until we are safely in our hotel with Wyatt, so hang in there if you don't hear from me. I really, really, really appreciate everyone's support and love through all of this. It has made it much easier to get through all the stressful parts. Here is to hoping I won't need you all again to help me through the emergency list happenings.
I got a call from the birthmother last week after she talked to her OB and she has a last appointment with her Wednesday at 10 am then has to meet with the pre-op team at 2 pm. We will be landing in California around 2ish and it is a 2 hour drive from the airport to her, so we should get to her around dinner time. She wants to go to Outback as her last pregnant meal so we will take her there and talk about the plan for the next day. I offered to take her to the hospital in the morning, but she declined.
She is slated to have her c-section begin at 7:30am Thursday so he should be born by 8am!!!!!!!!
5 days until I am finally a mom :) These are going to be some looooooong days.
Dusty called and talked with her for a while yesterday. He hadn't spoken with her since we visited her in October. All communication has basically gone through me, so I thought it would be nice if he touched base with her too. He said she sounded a little confused at first, but Dusty is sooooo much better at small talk and such than I am so they settled into it pretty quickly. She told him that she really wants to have him on Monday or Tuesday and have us come on Wednesday to take him home. If only it were that simple :) She reassured him that she won't be changing her mind which is great. I am still trying to remind myself that she could just so that it isn't so shocking if she does.
I will probably post one more time before we head out and then we will be gone. I will not be posting any photos or information until we are safely in our hotel with Wyatt, so hang in there if you don't hear from me. I really, really, really appreciate everyone's support and love through all of this. It has made it much easier to get through all the stressful parts. Here is to hoping I won't need you all again to help me through the emergency list happenings.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
A lot has been going on behind the scenes. Our independent social worker met with the birth mother to go over all the forms with her. She has agreed to sign the waiver so that the adoption becomes irrevocable at 5pm the day after discharge instead of 30 days later. That is a big relief. She really didn't have much to report to us.
Since the birth mother has a past history of depression she needed a competency evaluation by a psychologist. That has also occurred and we received a hefty bill and a 2 sentence letter saying that she is competent to make this decision. One more step done.
I have been in a lot of contact via text and email with her as well to make sure things are going well. She actually called me on Wednesday and we got to talk for about an hour about things. She had finalized her hospital birth plan with our adoption agent the day before and wanted to go over things with me again. I knew most of it already. I also spoke with our agent about a couple things that were a little concerning to me and got them cleared up. Here is the low down:
1.) She fills out the birth certificate and then once the adoption becomes finalized in 6 months we fill out a new one. It really doesn't matter much what she puts on the original one, but our birth mother really wants the name we chose to be on the first one so that there are not any real changes. She does not want to name him and also doesn't want to leave it generic with "baby boy" or something of that nature. She will be putting Wyatt Duane on the birth certificate. She also wants to put our last name on it which I am fine with, but then I was wondering what would happen if she did change her mind. Would there be a guy out there with our last name? I thought that would be odd. It didn't end up being something I needed to be worried about though because our agent said they won't allow her to put our last name on the certificate. It has to have her name on it.
2.) I will be in the room with her and will receive the baby after the c-section. Dusty isn't allowed in the room per her OB (well not him specifically, but only 1 of us is allowed in there) and so she asked if he would be in charge of making sure the birthing plan is followed. That may be hard form the waiting room, but he can do it once he is allowed in. If I am understanding it right, once the baby is born we will be moved to a different room with him to clean him up. She will be undergoing another procedure right after the c-section so she will be out for a little while.
3.) This is where we need A LOT of happy thoughts coming our way. If the hospital has the room, Dusty and I will get our own private suit with the baby where we will stay and take care of him until discharge. the birth mother will be recovering in her own room and waiting for her discharge. She is saying at this time that she doesn't want to see him at all, but that may change and our agent has told us to expect it to since most birth mothers end up wanting to see the baby. Anyway. Our birth mother said that she does not under any circumstance want the baby in the nursery. She thinks it is too impersonal (although I think she just has a misperception picturing him behind glass with 100 other babies and not being able to be held or touched) and so in the instance that we can not get our own room she has it listed that he is to be brought to her room with her. She told me that if that happens then we are to also stay in her room with her and take care of the baby. How awkward is that going to be???? All 4 of us all snug together??? And she won't be at a higher risk to change her mind in this case???????? Aaaaahhh! Ok...deep breath. I just have to tell myself that I have zero control over this and will have to deal with it as it happens. My plan if they don;t have a birthing suite for us is to see if they can move us to a regular inpatient room or not. If that is a no, I plan to see if they could move her to a regular room since she doesn't technically need a whole birthing suit and give us her room, but this might be seen as kicking her out so I don't know how good that would look. I am just hoping they give us a room!!!!
Outside of all of that we are just living along and waiting for the next 1 1/2 weeks to go by. 2 years of hoping, trying, planning and dreaming all comes down to just 1 1/2 weeks. I seem to be vacillating between pure excitement and joy and confidence that we will be bringing him home and then the next day being certain she will keep him and we will come home broken hearted. If that does happen we will be spending that week in California visiting some friends, tasting some wine and horseback riding on the beach.
Since the birth mother has a past history of depression she needed a competency evaluation by a psychologist. That has also occurred and we received a hefty bill and a 2 sentence letter saying that she is competent to make this decision. One more step done.
I have been in a lot of contact via text and email with her as well to make sure things are going well. She actually called me on Wednesday and we got to talk for about an hour about things. She had finalized her hospital birth plan with our adoption agent the day before and wanted to go over things with me again. I knew most of it already. I also spoke with our agent about a couple things that were a little concerning to me and got them cleared up. Here is the low down:
1.) She fills out the birth certificate and then once the adoption becomes finalized in 6 months we fill out a new one. It really doesn't matter much what she puts on the original one, but our birth mother really wants the name we chose to be on the first one so that there are not any real changes. She does not want to name him and also doesn't want to leave it generic with "baby boy" or something of that nature. She will be putting Wyatt Duane on the birth certificate. She also wants to put our last name on it which I am fine with, but then I was wondering what would happen if she did change her mind. Would there be a guy out there with our last name? I thought that would be odd. It didn't end up being something I needed to be worried about though because our agent said they won't allow her to put our last name on the certificate. It has to have her name on it.
2.) I will be in the room with her and will receive the baby after the c-section. Dusty isn't allowed in the room per her OB (well not him specifically, but only 1 of us is allowed in there) and so she asked if he would be in charge of making sure the birthing plan is followed. That may be hard form the waiting room, but he can do it once he is allowed in. If I am understanding it right, once the baby is born we will be moved to a different room with him to clean him up. She will be undergoing another procedure right after the c-section so she will be out for a little while.
3.) This is where we need A LOT of happy thoughts coming our way. If the hospital has the room, Dusty and I will get our own private suit with the baby where we will stay and take care of him until discharge. the birth mother will be recovering in her own room and waiting for her discharge. She is saying at this time that she doesn't want to see him at all, but that may change and our agent has told us to expect it to since most birth mothers end up wanting to see the baby. Anyway. Our birth mother said that she does not under any circumstance want the baby in the nursery. She thinks it is too impersonal (although I think she just has a misperception picturing him behind glass with 100 other babies and not being able to be held or touched) and so in the instance that we can not get our own room she has it listed that he is to be brought to her room with her. She told me that if that happens then we are to also stay in her room with her and take care of the baby. How awkward is that going to be???? All 4 of us all snug together??? And she won't be at a higher risk to change her mind in this case???????? Aaaaahhh! Ok...deep breath. I just have to tell myself that I have zero control over this and will have to deal with it as it happens. My plan if they don;t have a birthing suite for us is to see if they can move us to a regular inpatient room or not. If that is a no, I plan to see if they could move her to a regular room since she doesn't technically need a whole birthing suit and give us her room, but this might be seen as kicking her out so I don't know how good that would look. I am just hoping they give us a room!!!!
Outside of all of that we are just living along and waiting for the next 1 1/2 weeks to go by. 2 years of hoping, trying, planning and dreaming all comes down to just 1 1/2 weeks. I seem to be vacillating between pure excitement and joy and confidence that we will be bringing him home and then the next day being certain she will keep him and we will come home broken hearted. If that does happen we will be spending that week in California visiting some friends, tasting some wine and horseback riding on the beach.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Surprise Party
I actually have some real information to share because I talked to the birthmother today for about an hour and have a lot to share, but this is something that I want to share as well so the phone call will have to wait until the next post.
Some back information to make this make some sense. I am in residency (most of you know that already) and up until October I saw a lot of patients and did a ton of surgery, but it was always under an attending doctor. In October my program decided to start a resident clinic where the other 3rd year resident and I would have our own schedule every other Wednesday in the afternoon and see patients as if we were out in practice. The attending is still around and at the end of the day we talk through everything to make sure we didn't miss anything, but we are basically on our own. Ok...well yesterday my director paged me telling me that they wanted to have a meeting today at 12pm to discuss what things I would want for surgery if I book one through this clinic. I thought it was odd, but whatever. I then remembered that I had a medical education meeting at 12 today and told him it would need to be rescheduled. He said that this new meeting took priority. Ok. I have no problems with that. I got a page from the lady in the operating room asking if I could come at 11 instead so I said sure.
I went over to the outpatient surgery center and she met me in the hall outside of the lounge where we were going to meet. I said hello and sorry that I didn't know we were supposed ot go over this information. She then said it was no big deal and asked how the baby planning was coming and then said that you can't possibly be only 2 weeks away and not have had a baby shower yet and opened the door and there was the ENTIRE operating room staff with presents, a cake and lunch!!!! :)
I was sooo surprised and overwhelmed that I was in tears and sooooo happy. I never expected anything like this at all. The gifts were amazing and they didn't need to do that. It was my first baby shower and it was great!!!!!!!! What an amazing way to spend an afternoon at work :)
We leave for California 2 weeks from today :)
Some back information to make this make some sense. I am in residency (most of you know that already) and up until October I saw a lot of patients and did a ton of surgery, but it was always under an attending doctor. In October my program decided to start a resident clinic where the other 3rd year resident and I would have our own schedule every other Wednesday in the afternoon and see patients as if we were out in practice. The attending is still around and at the end of the day we talk through everything to make sure we didn't miss anything, but we are basically on our own. Ok...well yesterday my director paged me telling me that they wanted to have a meeting today at 12pm to discuss what things I would want for surgery if I book one through this clinic. I thought it was odd, but whatever. I then remembered that I had a medical education meeting at 12 today and told him it would need to be rescheduled. He said that this new meeting took priority. Ok. I have no problems with that. I got a page from the lady in the operating room asking if I could come at 11 instead so I said sure.
I went over to the outpatient surgery center and she met me in the hall outside of the lounge where we were going to meet. I said hello and sorry that I didn't know we were supposed ot go over this information. She then said it was no big deal and asked how the baby planning was coming and then said that you can't possibly be only 2 weeks away and not have had a baby shower yet and opened the door and there was the ENTIRE operating room staff with presents, a cake and lunch!!!! :)
I was sooo surprised and overwhelmed that I was in tears and sooooo happy. I never expected anything like this at all. The gifts were amazing and they didn't need to do that. It was my first baby shower and it was great!!!!!!!! What an amazing way to spend an afternoon at work :)
We leave for California 2 weeks from today :)
Thursday, November 8, 2012
3 weeks to go!!
The c-section is scheduled for exactly 3 weeks from today :) As with most things, while it seemed like a long time when we accepted the match back in September, it has flown by.
We still have some things to do like actually book the flight which we are still debating on the best course for that. We don't want to lock ourselves into leaving from our tiny airport in case she goes early and gives us a 24 hours heads up and no flights are leaving from here that will get us there in time. We will sort it out this weekend. We also need to figure out the car seat situation. While car rental companies offer car seats at an extra cost, I don't want to put him in a used car seat if I can help it. Unfortunately, we bought a not as popular brand of stroller (Encore from Target) because it happened to be one of the few we actually liked all the features of, but that means that the car seat base isn't so popular. Most have the Graco snug ride base as an option and Hertz also offer a Costco base. I really want to avoid lugging our car seat base all the way there. I am going to look up Encore and see if the car seat is compatible with any other base or not.
The 3rd party, independent social worker finally got in contact with us. we had been playing phone tag with her for about 2 weeks. California state law states that we have to provide a non-biased social worker that we hire, but doesn't really work for us. Her role is to get all the paperwork signed and to try not to persuade anyone to do anything. She seems really nice and met with our birthmother back on the 30th. She went over all of the forms (including that terrible 30 day to change her mind waiver) and explained what it all means and what to expect. She told us that she got good vibes at this point. A couple things are different from what we had previously heard which of course gets me all in a panic that she will change her mind. Dusty had to calm me down a lot yesterday. First, she does want to see the baby before he leaves the hospital. I am really thankful to our case worker at the adoption agency because she did actually warn us about this. She told us that a lot of people say they don't want to see the baby but then ask at the hospital and not not worry at all about it. Second, she said that she would like us to let her know if we ever get a divorce or become disabled or anything major like that changes in the future. What concerns me about that statement is that all along she has told us to not even tell him he is adopted. how does that play into it then? Does she want an "open" adoption now when she had all our information from the beginning saying that we do not want that? AAAHHH! But....deep breath...and maybe it just came up in conversation with the social worker or maybe the social worker specifically asked that and so she said "yeah that would be ok" I don;t really know because 1.) I wasn't there and 2.) Dusty actually talked to the social worker and he never really ask many questions about anything. Time will tell if she changes her mind on us or not.
I have been in a ton of contact through email and text messaging with the birthmother this week. It is getting close and I want her to know we are ready and waiting for the call. She thinks she will go early, so we will have to just keep on waiting. We have gotten pretty darn good at waiting over the last couple of years with this entire process, so a few more weeks aren't so bad. I am planning on calling her middle of next week to chat and make sure everything is going well. She did tell me in her last email that she has written a form to give us the right to make all medical decisions for Wyatt after he is born and is in the hospital and that she doesn't think there will be any surprises. I think that was her way of letting me know she won't change her mind, but again you just never know. I do not know what all the adoption case worker tells her, so I don't know if she is aware of our concerns over her changing her mind or not. Keep us in your happy thoughts!!
Off to work .....
We still have some things to do like actually book the flight which we are still debating on the best course for that. We don't want to lock ourselves into leaving from our tiny airport in case she goes early and gives us a 24 hours heads up and no flights are leaving from here that will get us there in time. We will sort it out this weekend. We also need to figure out the car seat situation. While car rental companies offer car seats at an extra cost, I don't want to put him in a used car seat if I can help it. Unfortunately, we bought a not as popular brand of stroller (Encore from Target) because it happened to be one of the few we actually liked all the features of, but that means that the car seat base isn't so popular. Most have the Graco snug ride base as an option and Hertz also offer a Costco base. I really want to avoid lugging our car seat base all the way there. I am going to look up Encore and see if the car seat is compatible with any other base or not.
The 3rd party, independent social worker finally got in contact with us. we had been playing phone tag with her for about 2 weeks. California state law states that we have to provide a non-biased social worker that we hire, but doesn't really work for us. Her role is to get all the paperwork signed and to try not to persuade anyone to do anything. She seems really nice and met with our birthmother back on the 30th. She went over all of the forms (including that terrible 30 day to change her mind waiver) and explained what it all means and what to expect. She told us that she got good vibes at this point. A couple things are different from what we had previously heard which of course gets me all in a panic that she will change her mind. Dusty had to calm me down a lot yesterday. First, she does want to see the baby before he leaves the hospital. I am really thankful to our case worker at the adoption agency because she did actually warn us about this. She told us that a lot of people say they don't want to see the baby but then ask at the hospital and not not worry at all about it. Second, she said that she would like us to let her know if we ever get a divorce or become disabled or anything major like that changes in the future. What concerns me about that statement is that all along she has told us to not even tell him he is adopted. how does that play into it then? Does she want an "open" adoption now when she had all our information from the beginning saying that we do not want that? AAAHHH! But....deep breath...and maybe it just came up in conversation with the social worker or maybe the social worker specifically asked that and so she said "yeah that would be ok" I don;t really know because 1.) I wasn't there and 2.) Dusty actually talked to the social worker and he never really ask many questions about anything. Time will tell if she changes her mind on us or not.
I have been in a ton of contact through email and text messaging with the birthmother this week. It is getting close and I want her to know we are ready and waiting for the call. She thinks she will go early, so we will have to just keep on waiting. We have gotten pretty darn good at waiting over the last couple of years with this entire process, so a few more weeks aren't so bad. I am planning on calling her middle of next week to chat and make sure everything is going well. She did tell me in her last email that she has written a form to give us the right to make all medical decisions for Wyatt after he is born and is in the hospital and that she doesn't think there will be any surprises. I think that was her way of letting me know she won't change her mind, but again you just never know. I do not know what all the adoption case worker tells her, so I don't know if she is aware of our concerns over her changing her mind or not. Keep us in your happy thoughts!!
Off to work .....
Saturday, November 3, 2012
It is November!!! :)
Why is that important you ask?? By the end of this month little baby Wyatt will be a part of the world :) His scheduled c-section is the 29th, but that is week 40 and normally the scheduled c-section is a week before the real due date, so she may end up going early which is just fine by me. I can't wait!!
Life has been exceedingly busy on the non-baby front and the baby front has been a little low key. I realized yesterday that this weekend is that first weekend that I have been at home and not on call since Labor Day. No wonder I feel like I'm getting behind with things! The good news is that I think I have a good job secured which is a MASSIVE stress that's gone. I don't have a contract yet because some things needed adjusting and a few added. Hopefully that comes soon and it is all locked in.
On the baby front we have all our shopping done, or at least I think we have all our shopping done. I went out this morning with a great friend of mine and got what I call the "boring stuff". Diaper (494 of them!), wipes (700!!), bottles, a bottle cleaning brush, formula, and a travel bassinet. The travelling bassinet is our solution to my concerns over where he will sleep once we take him to the hotel from the hospital. I don't want to lug our bassinet in case it got broken or lost, plus it is big and would cost a lot. I also don't want to use a used crib from the hotel. I had seen a little sleeper box that is used to allow the baby to sleep on the bed between the hubby and wife without the rick of getting rolled on. I didn't want to use that at home because the risk is too high that the dog or a cat might not care and lay on him. The ones I saw at Toys R Us were $70 and I didn't really want to spend that on something we will use for a week. At Wal-Mart they had a travelling bassinet that can be used on the floor or on the bed and is made to the safety standards of regular size bassinets. This way he can sleep in that on the bed in the hotel and be nice and safe :)
I do have a problem though that I need some advice on and will post to facebook as well. I have the bottles (went with the drop in playtex ones so that I don't have to worry about sanitation as much at day care and know they have a brand new liner each time) and formula that I will take with me of course. While at the hospital or in the hotel it won't be much of a concern because we will use distilled water and be able to warm it up. My concern is what on earth to do at the airport when we need a new bottle to feed him and all we have is bathroom water (ick!!) or bottled water that will be nice and refreshingly cold for anyone but a baby?? What water supply could we use?? Suggestions please!!!!!
Life has been exceedingly busy on the non-baby front and the baby front has been a little low key. I realized yesterday that this weekend is that first weekend that I have been at home and not on call since Labor Day. No wonder I feel like I'm getting behind with things! The good news is that I think I have a good job secured which is a MASSIVE stress that's gone. I don't have a contract yet because some things needed adjusting and a few added. Hopefully that comes soon and it is all locked in.
On the baby front we have all our shopping done, or at least I think we have all our shopping done. I went out this morning with a great friend of mine and got what I call the "boring stuff". Diaper (494 of them!), wipes (700!!), bottles, a bottle cleaning brush, formula, and a travel bassinet. The travelling bassinet is our solution to my concerns over where he will sleep once we take him to the hotel from the hospital. I don't want to lug our bassinet in case it got broken or lost, plus it is big and would cost a lot. I also don't want to use a used crib from the hotel. I had seen a little sleeper box that is used to allow the baby to sleep on the bed between the hubby and wife without the rick of getting rolled on. I didn't want to use that at home because the risk is too high that the dog or a cat might not care and lay on him. The ones I saw at Toys R Us were $70 and I didn't really want to spend that on something we will use for a week. At Wal-Mart they had a travelling bassinet that can be used on the floor or on the bed and is made to the safety standards of regular size bassinets. This way he can sleep in that on the bed in the hotel and be nice and safe :)
I do have a problem though that I need some advice on and will post to facebook as well. I have the bottles (went with the drop in playtex ones so that I don't have to worry about sanitation as much at day care and know they have a brand new liner each time) and formula that I will take with me of course. While at the hospital or in the hotel it won't be much of a concern because we will use distilled water and be able to warm it up. My concern is what on earth to do at the airport when we need a new bottle to feed him and all we have is bathroom water (ick!!) or bottled water that will be nice and refreshingly cold for anyone but a baby?? What water supply could we use?? Suggestions please!!!!!
Friday, October 19, 2012
Mini meltdown
I love our agency for matching us with a confident birthmother in a short 3 months. I really do. If we ever decided to go through the process again I think it will be easier knowing how everything works.
What was my melt down over? What our agency seems to not be very good at is filling me in on the details that I want to know in a timely fashion. I have wanted a list from the get go of what to expect and when in the process to expect it. They have not been able/willing to provide this for me. It leaves me feeling like I am in the dark.
Example: We have now met with our birthmother and I know there are plenty of things that need to occur between now and when she delivers. I just have no clue what those things are or when they need done because I keep being told they will let me know when the time comes. What they fail to understand is that we are 2 hours ahead of them and have long work days where we can't just drop everything to do something at the last minute.
So what happened you ask? I had emailed our casse worker the beginning of the week about our visit and asked her what happens next. She said that I will get a call or email from the independent social worker who will be responsible for meeting with the birthmother in advance and going over the paperwork and will also be present at discharge for the paperwork to be signed. I got a phone call and then an email of information from this woman (who is very nice) this afternoon and my head exploded.
In her packet of information she stated very clearly that the birthmother has 30 days to change her mind and ask for the baby back. Huh?!?!?! We were told 5 pm the business day after discharge. Where is this 30 days coming from? I emailed asking her this stating that our agency has told us the above and she responded that the birthmother has 30 days, but could sign a waiver for those 30 days and turning it into 5 pm. So....wait....she could decide not to sign this and we could either a) be stuck in california for 30+ days or b) bring home baby Wyatt and have to give him back 30 days later?????
I then emailed my case worker at the agency and I admit it wasn't the most friendly email I have ever sent. I did re-read it before I sent it, but seriously 2 days versus 30 days is a HUGE deal. I got out of work earlier than anticipated and gave her a call to clear things up. She said that yes, the waiver existed and needs to be signed or she has 30 full days, but that our specific agency does not allow that to happen and so they don't bring it up. Huh? How do they not allow it to happen? well, she said that they inform the birthmother that the adoption won't go forward if she doesn't sign it because it is too risky for the adoptive parents. Long conversation short she has never in 10 years had a birthmother not sign the waiver. Fine, great. Things are wonderful...but in the future it might be nice to warn the adoptive parents in advance so that in an emotionally charged situation things like this don't pop up and push people over the edge. Geesh!
Ok...deep breath and moving on.
What was my melt down over? What our agency seems to not be very good at is filling me in on the details that I want to know in a timely fashion. I have wanted a list from the get go of what to expect and when in the process to expect it. They have not been able/willing to provide this for me. It leaves me feeling like I am in the dark.
Example: We have now met with our birthmother and I know there are plenty of things that need to occur between now and when she delivers. I just have no clue what those things are or when they need done because I keep being told they will let me know when the time comes. What they fail to understand is that we are 2 hours ahead of them and have long work days where we can't just drop everything to do something at the last minute.
So what happened you ask? I had emailed our casse worker the beginning of the week about our visit and asked her what happens next. She said that I will get a call or email from the independent social worker who will be responsible for meeting with the birthmother in advance and going over the paperwork and will also be present at discharge for the paperwork to be signed. I got a phone call and then an email of information from this woman (who is very nice) this afternoon and my head exploded.
In her packet of information she stated very clearly that the birthmother has 30 days to change her mind and ask for the baby back. Huh?!?!?! We were told 5 pm the business day after discharge. Where is this 30 days coming from? I emailed asking her this stating that our agency has told us the above and she responded that the birthmother has 30 days, but could sign a waiver for those 30 days and turning it into 5 pm. So....wait....she could decide not to sign this and we could either a) be stuck in california for 30+ days or b) bring home baby Wyatt and have to give him back 30 days later?????
I then emailed my case worker at the agency and I admit it wasn't the most friendly email I have ever sent. I did re-read it before I sent it, but seriously 2 days versus 30 days is a HUGE deal. I got out of work earlier than anticipated and gave her a call to clear things up. She said that yes, the waiver existed and needs to be signed or she has 30 full days, but that our specific agency does not allow that to happen and so they don't bring it up. Huh? How do they not allow it to happen? well, she said that they inform the birthmother that the adoption won't go forward if she doesn't sign it because it is too risky for the adoptive parents. Long conversation short she has never in 10 years had a birthmother not sign the waiver. Fine, great. Things are wonderful...but in the future it might be nice to warn the adoptive parents in advance so that in an emotionally charged situation things like this don't pop up and push people over the edge. Geesh!
Ok...deep breath and moving on.
Monday, October 15, 2012
A whirlwind of a weekend
Phew!!! What a weekend!! Again, I apologize in advance for some lack of detail, but I don't think it is appropriate to post some things online.
We left for California Friday early morning. We have a small airport 15 minutes away, but flying out of there is really expensive and with another flight in November coming up we decided to drive to the airport that is 3 hours away and save the layover too. That meant leaving the house by 5:30 am which is my usual getting up time, so it wasn't too bad. The flight left 40 minutes late, but was otherwise uneventful and we left 20 degree weather to land in 80 and sunny...well technically Friday was 65 and cloudy, but Saturday was 80 and sunny so that counts :)
We had a 2 hour drive from that airport to the town the birthmother lives in and then we checked into our hotel. We hadn't made any definite plans, so on the way I texted her to see what she was up to. She wanted to do dinner that night and informed me that her 2 years old's father (who she lives with, but isn't involved with at all..don't ask...I don't know) was going to be there to meet us as well and maybe her mother too. I hadn't been that nervous until then! A whole crew was going to be there and my stomach was doing flips! I wanted to check in and change out of our travelling grubby clothes and had hoped to get a shower too, but with our flight being so late she wanted to get a table right then and have us meet her there. I told we her had to change but would get there as soon as possible.
Dinner was great. Her mother didn't end up coming and her son's father was a nice guy. He seemed really young, but was nice and easy to talk to. We met her 2 year old son who is absolutely adorable! He was very well behaved even though he had a cold and it was getting late by the time we left. We talked a lot about various things. She focused on her educational plans and life plans and I am not sure if she was trying to impress upon us that she was planning for better things or that she too could get a higher education or what, but we listened and gave support for what she is trying to accomplish with her life.
We parted ways and then met up for breakfast on Saturday with just her and her son. Afterwards we went to Babies R Us which was awkward, but she had suggested it before because there was a specific type of formula she wanted to show us. Once there though she seemed disinterested and just wandered around. I don't know if she felt out of place or if she wished she was shopping for herself or what, but it was weird and slightly uncomfortable to shop for the baby she is carrying that we want to raise. We left there and headed to the hospital so we could get familiar with it. She made the comment that she wished she could have the c-section now while we are all there and I definitely agreed if it was closer to her due date. We took a break then and then met up for lunch later and parted ways around 3 pm so she could get the car back for her son's dad to take to work that night.
We then headed to Yosemite which was amazing!
All in all it was a good trip, well minus the getting up at 2 am to get the the airport for our 6 am out flight and then being crammed in the plane and driving 3 hours home after landing all to come home and find out that our eldest cat, Ani, was not doing well at all and had to be put down last night. Very sad and we miss him bunches. :(
I don't know if we did any good going out there and meeting with her. I don't think we lost any ground and it was great to meet her son. He is sooo cute and social. If it makes her more comfortable with her decision, then it was all worth it in the end. It is a hard relationship to build though since we really have very little in common and while we want her to be comfortable enough with us to continue with the plan neither of us really want to continue a relationship afterward so there were a lot of awkward silences once the small talk ran out and we had pretty much already covered the important plans. I hope we did settle any concerns she had and that she feels comfortable knowing us better and that we will love and take care of baby Wyatt forever.
We left for California Friday early morning. We have a small airport 15 minutes away, but flying out of there is really expensive and with another flight in November coming up we decided to drive to the airport that is 3 hours away and save the layover too. That meant leaving the house by 5:30 am which is my usual getting up time, so it wasn't too bad. The flight left 40 minutes late, but was otherwise uneventful and we left 20 degree weather to land in 80 and sunny...well technically Friday was 65 and cloudy, but Saturday was 80 and sunny so that counts :)
We had a 2 hour drive from that airport to the town the birthmother lives in and then we checked into our hotel. We hadn't made any definite plans, so on the way I texted her to see what she was up to. She wanted to do dinner that night and informed me that her 2 years old's father (who she lives with, but isn't involved with at all..don't ask...I don't know) was going to be there to meet us as well and maybe her mother too. I hadn't been that nervous until then! A whole crew was going to be there and my stomach was doing flips! I wanted to check in and change out of our travelling grubby clothes and had hoped to get a shower too, but with our flight being so late she wanted to get a table right then and have us meet her there. I told we her had to change but would get there as soon as possible.
Dinner was great. Her mother didn't end up coming and her son's father was a nice guy. He seemed really young, but was nice and easy to talk to. We met her 2 year old son who is absolutely adorable! He was very well behaved even though he had a cold and it was getting late by the time we left. We talked a lot about various things. She focused on her educational plans and life plans and I am not sure if she was trying to impress upon us that she was planning for better things or that she too could get a higher education or what, but we listened and gave support for what she is trying to accomplish with her life.
We parted ways and then met up for breakfast on Saturday with just her and her son. Afterwards we went to Babies R Us which was awkward, but she had suggested it before because there was a specific type of formula she wanted to show us. Once there though she seemed disinterested and just wandered around. I don't know if she felt out of place or if she wished she was shopping for herself or what, but it was weird and slightly uncomfortable to shop for the baby she is carrying that we want to raise. We left there and headed to the hospital so we could get familiar with it. She made the comment that she wished she could have the c-section now while we are all there and I definitely agreed if it was closer to her due date. We took a break then and then met up for lunch later and parted ways around 3 pm so she could get the car back for her son's dad to take to work that night.
We then headed to Yosemite which was amazing!
All in all it was a good trip, well minus the getting up at 2 am to get the the airport for our 6 am out flight and then being crammed in the plane and driving 3 hours home after landing all to come home and find out that our eldest cat, Ani, was not doing well at all and had to be put down last night. Very sad and we miss him bunches. :(
I don't know if we did any good going out there and meeting with her. I don't think we lost any ground and it was great to meet her son. He is sooo cute and social. If it makes her more comfortable with her decision, then it was all worth it in the end. It is a hard relationship to build though since we really have very little in common and while we want her to be comfortable enough with us to continue with the plan neither of us really want to continue a relationship afterward so there were a lot of awkward silences once the small talk ran out and we had pretty much already covered the important plans. I hope we did settle any concerns she had and that she feels comfortable knowing us better and that we will love and take care of baby Wyatt forever.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Shopping
First, thanks to everyone who commented with an opinion both on here and facebook!! I really appreciate it!
From what everyone said, we are going to go with 1 long flight and hope he sleeps through it ;) Actually thinking it over I think this trip will go much smoother than the loooong drive when we move after residency 10-12 hours back towards home with an 8 month old :) Now to just bite the bullet and book the flight.
Apparently, Judges do not work on the weekend, so if we do not get approval to leave by Fri we won't get it until sometime Monday and won't be able to get a flight until Tuesday :( Thats 2 whole weeks!! With the way things usually go, I think we will be best off if we just book the return for that Tuesday and if we can leave earlier decide if it is worth the added flight expense to get home or not. It will probably just depend on the timing - 1 day probably not worth it, a few days would be though.
We went baby shopping today!!! I was a little hampered by the hubby who was not quite as excited about all the cute outfits, but he did help keep me on task since this was about getting the the bigger items.
We don't have that many good stores here in small town USA, but the local Toys R Us has a small baby section and then there is Target. We hit Toys R Us first and found a nice rocking chair, a couple swaddle me blankets, a great diaper bag that I really love and isn't girly so Dusty can carry it too, a couple sleepers, and an adorable fleece zip up hoodie with matching fleece pants. Dusty made me put back the newborn size wool peacoat arguing that it would only fit him for about 30 seconds and would probably stay on for even less time, but man was it cute :) We messed around with the travel strollers there for a long time, but just didn't any of them for what we need/want. They have a nice jogger, but for an everyday stroller it is big and obnoxious.
Target was next and we finally found a stroller we liked. I wish the colors were a bit better, but it is unisex so if we ever do this while thing again and have a girl this should still work. It is lightweight but still sturdy and is cushy inside for his little baby body and head. Of course I had grabbed a shopping basket and Dusty looked at it asking me how on earth I was planning on fitting it in the basket. He then ran and got a cart grumbling that it would never fit as I called out that it would. Well, when he got back he looked at me and said "make it fit" I picked it up, but it was awkward and I dropped it. A worker was walking by as I was laughing and asked if I needed help to which I replied "no, he is just being a bad husband and not doing his job" which made Dusty turn red and the guy laugh :) Outside of that we got a pack of muslin blankets that can be used for tummy time, swaddling, burp cloths...you name it! It was a successful trip.
All that is left is to fill that diaper bag and get formula, but we are going to wait on that stuff until it is a little closer.
From what everyone said, we are going to go with 1 long flight and hope he sleeps through it ;) Actually thinking it over I think this trip will go much smoother than the loooong drive when we move after residency 10-12 hours back towards home with an 8 month old :) Now to just bite the bullet and book the flight.
Apparently, Judges do not work on the weekend, so if we do not get approval to leave by Fri we won't get it until sometime Monday and won't be able to get a flight until Tuesday :( Thats 2 whole weeks!! With the way things usually go, I think we will be best off if we just book the return for that Tuesday and if we can leave earlier decide if it is worth the added flight expense to get home or not. It will probably just depend on the timing - 1 day probably not worth it, a few days would be though.
We went baby shopping today!!! I was a little hampered by the hubby who was not quite as excited about all the cute outfits, but he did help keep me on task since this was about getting the the bigger items.
We don't have that many good stores here in small town USA, but the local Toys R Us has a small baby section and then there is Target. We hit Toys R Us first and found a nice rocking chair, a couple swaddle me blankets, a great diaper bag that I really love and isn't girly so Dusty can carry it too, a couple sleepers, and an adorable fleece zip up hoodie with matching fleece pants. Dusty made me put back the newborn size wool peacoat arguing that it would only fit him for about 30 seconds and would probably stay on for even less time, but man was it cute :) We messed around with the travel strollers there for a long time, but just didn't any of them for what we need/want. They have a nice jogger, but for an everyday stroller it is big and obnoxious.
Target was next and we finally found a stroller we liked. I wish the colors were a bit better, but it is unisex so if we ever do this while thing again and have a girl this should still work. It is lightweight but still sturdy and is cushy inside for his little baby body and head. Of course I had grabbed a shopping basket and Dusty looked at it asking me how on earth I was planning on fitting it in the basket. He then ran and got a cart grumbling that it would never fit as I called out that it would. Well, when he got back he looked at me and said "make it fit" I picked it up, but it was awkward and I dropped it. A worker was walking by as I was laughing and asked if I needed help to which I replied "no, he is just being a bad husband and not doing his job" which made Dusty turn red and the guy laugh :) Outside of that we got a pack of muslin blankets that can be used for tummy time, swaddling, burp cloths...you name it! It was a successful trip.
All that is left is to fill that diaper bag and get formula, but we are going to wait on that stuff until it is a little closer.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Decisions, decisions, decisions
56 days to go!!! :)
Our biggest dilemma right now is travel plans for November. From what we know here is the timeline we *think* is going to play out:
Thurs 11/29: C-section
Sat 12/1 or Sun 12/2: Discharge from the hospital
Tues 12/4: 5 pm adoption becomes irrevocable
Wed 12/5: WI approves interstate adoption
Thurs 12/6: Information travels to CA
Fri 12/7: CA approves interstate adoption
Sat 12/8: We are free to roam about the country :)
Based on that timeline, we should be safe to get a return flight on Sat or Sun. What we need to ask the attorney is if the judge doesn't approve it by Fri, are we stuck until Mon or do they work on the weekend? Why is all this important?? Airlines.
A round trip ticket is looking to be around $350/person. A single, one way ticket is also $350/person. A flexible trip ticket that would allow us to change the return date/city at will is $800 EXTRA. Not going to happen. Trip insurance is not that expensive and covers the cost of the ticket in the event something happens, but we don't qualify for that because not legally being allowed to leave the state isn't on the list of reasons to change your ticket. Go figure ;) Here are our thoughts in order of likelihood of occurence and feel free to comment:
1.) Buy the round trip ticket with return on Sat or Sun and if we can leave earlier or have to leave later, buy the one way tickets at that time. Money-wise this makes some sense since we really are getting a "free" return flight if we can keep the originally scheduled date.
2.) Buy one way there and wait until we know when we can leave and just book it then. Doesn't make a ton of sense, but it is a choice.
3.) Buy round trip and just drive home once we can leave to save the money on a return flight if we can't leave on the original date. The problem with this is driving with an infant for many, many, many hours in the winter over the Rockies. Hmmmm....
4.) Take the train back. This was intriguing until I looked it up and found out that the cost is around $1000 one way. Nope. Not doable.
Our second dilemma is to have an extra layover or not. I am leaning towards not, but here is the thought process. We will have one layover because there are no direct flights to our airport, but thats ok. It is only a 35 min flight. A single 5 hour flight would eliminate the bussle and noise and stress of a new airport as well as 2 pressure changes for his baby ears. The problem is that 5 hours of a crying baby is sure to annoy the entire flight and we are stuck to walking the aisle only if he is fussy. Not much room to change him in the bathroom or the stretch out. Having a second layover to break that up would give us shorter flights and time to walk the airport with larger bathrooms and stores with food for us and supplies once we realize the 15 things we forgot to bring along. The problem with this is stress of maneuvering through an unknown airport that is busy and the 2 added pressure changes to his baby ears as well as added time overall to the trip. I keep going back and forth on this. I *think* we are leaning toward one long flight, but this is a hard decision.
What else is going on? We bought a nice little dresser for him so we have a place for his clothes and supplies. It was only $10 at a garage sale and is in great condition (well, it needs new paint but that is it). We still have EVERYTHING else to buy and will be getting on that shortly. October is insanely busy for me: job interview taking me out of town this weekend, next weekend flying to meet the birthmother, the following I am here but on call, and the last weekend I am at a conference in Miami. It will get done somehow. Actually, I think we are going to find a baby store when we are in Cali next weekend with downtime and do some shopping. Most of it we will have them drop ship to our house so we don't have to worry about getting it back on the airplane.
And last, but definitly not least.....we have decided on a name for him!!!!! It took a bit and we kept going back and forth and I kept holding out for my original favorite name, but Dusty really hated it. Anyway....
Wyatt Duane Borkosky
Duane is Dusty's, his dad's and his brother's middle name and we really liked the family connection that would give. Wyatt is just cute :)
Our biggest dilemma right now is travel plans for November. From what we know here is the timeline we *think* is going to play out:
Thurs 11/29: C-section
Sat 12/1 or Sun 12/2: Discharge from the hospital
Tues 12/4: 5 pm adoption becomes irrevocable
Wed 12/5: WI approves interstate adoption
Thurs 12/6: Information travels to CA
Fri 12/7: CA approves interstate adoption
Sat 12/8: We are free to roam about the country :)
Based on that timeline, we should be safe to get a return flight on Sat or Sun. What we need to ask the attorney is if the judge doesn't approve it by Fri, are we stuck until Mon or do they work on the weekend? Why is all this important?? Airlines.
A round trip ticket is looking to be around $350/person. A single, one way ticket is also $350/person. A flexible trip ticket that would allow us to change the return date/city at will is $800 EXTRA. Not going to happen. Trip insurance is not that expensive and covers the cost of the ticket in the event something happens, but we don't qualify for that because not legally being allowed to leave the state isn't on the list of reasons to change your ticket. Go figure ;) Here are our thoughts in order of likelihood of occurence and feel free to comment:
1.) Buy the round trip ticket with return on Sat or Sun and if we can leave earlier or have to leave later, buy the one way tickets at that time. Money-wise this makes some sense since we really are getting a "free" return flight if we can keep the originally scheduled date.
2.) Buy one way there and wait until we know when we can leave and just book it then. Doesn't make a ton of sense, but it is a choice.
3.) Buy round trip and just drive home once we can leave to save the money on a return flight if we can't leave on the original date. The problem with this is driving with an infant for many, many, many hours in the winter over the Rockies. Hmmmm....
4.) Take the train back. This was intriguing until I looked it up and found out that the cost is around $1000 one way. Nope. Not doable.
Our second dilemma is to have an extra layover or not. I am leaning towards not, but here is the thought process. We will have one layover because there are no direct flights to our airport, but thats ok. It is only a 35 min flight. A single 5 hour flight would eliminate the bussle and noise and stress of a new airport as well as 2 pressure changes for his baby ears. The problem is that 5 hours of a crying baby is sure to annoy the entire flight and we are stuck to walking the aisle only if he is fussy. Not much room to change him in the bathroom or the stretch out. Having a second layover to break that up would give us shorter flights and time to walk the airport with larger bathrooms and stores with food for us and supplies once we realize the 15 things we forgot to bring along. The problem with this is stress of maneuvering through an unknown airport that is busy and the 2 added pressure changes to his baby ears as well as added time overall to the trip. I keep going back and forth on this. I *think* we are leaning toward one long flight, but this is a hard decision.
What else is going on? We bought a nice little dresser for him so we have a place for his clothes and supplies. It was only $10 at a garage sale and is in great condition (well, it needs new paint but that is it). We still have EVERYTHING else to buy and will be getting on that shortly. October is insanely busy for me: job interview taking me out of town this weekend, next weekend flying to meet the birthmother, the following I am here but on call, and the last weekend I am at a conference in Miami. It will get done somehow. Actually, I think we are going to find a baby store when we are in Cali next weekend with downtime and do some shopping. Most of it we will have them drop ship to our house so we don't have to worry about getting it back on the airplane.
And last, but definitly not least.....we have decided on a name for him!!!!! It took a bit and we kept going back and forth and I kept holding out for my original favorite name, but Dusty really hated it. Anyway....
Wyatt Duane Borkosky
Duane is Dusty's, his dad's and his brother's middle name and we really liked the family connection that would give. Wyatt is just cute :)
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
The Conference Call
Deep breath. Things are good. Stress levels are better and we are excited. :)
We had our case worker, the attorney (and owner of the agency) and the financial lady all on the phone. Its a very confusing situation when you 5 people on involved in the same conversation!
We first discussed the financial questions that we had. Basically we are well above the budgeted average and there is nothing that can be done for it. The good news that came out of it is that they are willing to give us the 6 months post placement time to pay the phase 3 fees which we need and is a good thing. That helped alleviate a lot of stress right there because the last bill was due within 24 hours of us getting it and that was not fun.
Next we discussed what all to expect from this point forward. I know that attorneys (at least successful ones) generally are smooth talking and friendly, but if this is all a show he is darn good at it! I really enjoyed talking to him. Anyway...they basically have our back which was good to hear since so far they have been the silent partner in all of this. We only need our picture ids and they will have sent notification to the hospital in advance that we will be the adopting parents.
Once we head out there for the birth (less than 70 days away!!!!!!! :) we will be expected to not leave the hospital and act as the birth family. As long as the hospital has the room, we should get a private room where the baby will sleep with us. Our birthmother has requested (at this time anyway) to not have any involvement with the baby once he is born (she doesn't want to see him) so we will need to be there to feed and take care of him from the get go. She will sign a form giving us the ability to make all medical decisions once he is born too. Once the discharge is final a social worker from our agency will have her sign her consent for the adoption. This takes place at the hospital so that we part ways with us heading to the hotel with the baby and her heading home. Once there we have the baby in our custody but she can still change her mind until 5pm the next business day (if she has c-section thurs the 29th and gets discharged over the weekend we would have him through tues at 5pm). According to our case worker, if a birthmother is going to change her mind she does it prior to signing the paperwork and they have not had it happen after that. After 5pm we just need to wait for the interstate travel agreement to be official which the attorney says will take only 3-4 days. He said his experience is that WI takes 24 hours, fed ex to CA, then they take 24 hours. Then we can head home!! So total time shouldn't be the 2 weeks we thought :)
As we were finishing up the conference call the birthmother texted me that she had a dog question for Dusty :) He called her back and has been talking to her while I am writing this.
Honestly, I keep wavering between unbelievable excitement and smiles and happiness and a wariness that I don't want to be that way and get destroyed if she changes her mind. Deep breath.
We had our case worker, the attorney (and owner of the agency) and the financial lady all on the phone. Its a very confusing situation when you 5 people on involved in the same conversation!
We first discussed the financial questions that we had. Basically we are well above the budgeted average and there is nothing that can be done for it. The good news that came out of it is that they are willing to give us the 6 months post placement time to pay the phase 3 fees which we need and is a good thing. That helped alleviate a lot of stress right there because the last bill was due within 24 hours of us getting it and that was not fun.
Next we discussed what all to expect from this point forward. I know that attorneys (at least successful ones) generally are smooth talking and friendly, but if this is all a show he is darn good at it! I really enjoyed talking to him. Anyway...they basically have our back which was good to hear since so far they have been the silent partner in all of this. We only need our picture ids and they will have sent notification to the hospital in advance that we will be the adopting parents.
Once we head out there for the birth (less than 70 days away!!!!!!! :) we will be expected to not leave the hospital and act as the birth family. As long as the hospital has the room, we should get a private room where the baby will sleep with us. Our birthmother has requested (at this time anyway) to not have any involvement with the baby once he is born (she doesn't want to see him) so we will need to be there to feed and take care of him from the get go. She will sign a form giving us the ability to make all medical decisions once he is born too. Once the discharge is final a social worker from our agency will have her sign her consent for the adoption. This takes place at the hospital so that we part ways with us heading to the hotel with the baby and her heading home. Once there we have the baby in our custody but she can still change her mind until 5pm the next business day (if she has c-section thurs the 29th and gets discharged over the weekend we would have him through tues at 5pm). According to our case worker, if a birthmother is going to change her mind she does it prior to signing the paperwork and they have not had it happen after that. After 5pm we just need to wait for the interstate travel agreement to be official which the attorney says will take only 3-4 days. He said his experience is that WI takes 24 hours, fed ex to CA, then they take 24 hours. Then we can head home!! So total time shouldn't be the 2 weeks we thought :)
As we were finishing up the conference call the birthmother texted me that she had a dog question for Dusty :) He called her back and has been talking to her while I am writing this.
Honestly, I keep wavering between unbelievable excitement and smiles and happiness and a wariness that I don't want to be that way and get destroyed if she changes her mind. Deep breath.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Time keeps on ticking.....
I can't believe it has been since the 9th since my last post. Work has picked up a bit again and I kept getting home late the last 2 weeks. October will be much better though from a work stand point, but very busy outside of that.
What all has happened in the last 2 weeks?
Well, we have kept in touch with our birthmother a lot through emails and texts. She had another ultrasound done and texted me the pics which was awesome. Her last one is Oct 9th. Looking at our calenders there was really only 1 weekend available for a visit to California which is Oct 13th, so we will be heading out there on the 12th and getting back on the 14th. A whirlwind of a trip. I am not sure what all to expect or how much time she actually wants to spend with us. I have never been to California though, so I am sure we can find things to do :) One of my co-resident's wedding is that same weekend and we had hoped to go, but this trumps that and really is the only weekend available for us. ( I have an interview the weekend before, am on call the weekend after, and the last weekend I am in Miami at a conference)
We have a conference call scheduled with the attorney, our case worker and the financial woman on Tuesday evening. We have some questions for them regarding our account and things they never told us going in to the process that is a little irritating, but hopefully it will get worked out on Tuesday. During that call we should also get some help as to what to do, what to avoid and what to expect during our visit with the birthmother.
Our one biggest points of irritation which isn't our Agencies fault, but it IS their fault for not telling us in advance is that apparently we have to stay in California until the paperwork goes through for us to legally leave the state with the baby. This can take up to 10 days, but you have to add in the day in advance of the birth and then she has until 5 pm the day after she is discharged to change her mind and the trip becomes 2 weeks-ish. Now I KNOW this was never brought up in all our of pre-signing up talks and conference calls and was never mentioned in the paperwork. It wouldn't have changed our minds to go ahead and adopt with this agency or with this birthmother, but it would have been nice to not be surprised with this information AFTER we matched. 2 weeks in a hotel in California will get expensive and we did not budget for that. Also, that eats up half my maternity leave sitting in a hotel with an infant. The silver linining is that we will have 10 days or so to get to know him and his routines before boarding a plane and annoying everyone around us :) And that is time that Dusty and I can spend with him without nay worries about work or the pets or anythign else. We can just submerge ourselves in taking care of and loving him without distraction which will be amazing.
OH!! I got my first baby care package :) My mom sent me a little box of goodies for the baby. Here are some pics:
There were a few other things in there too - some onesies, baby shampoo and A&D ointment.
We also purchased a dresser this weekend for his stuff. It was only $10 at a garage sale. It needs a new coat of paint, but is really heavy, sturdy wood with nothing broken or warped. Now we will have a spot for all his things.
Will let you know how the conference call goes!
What all has happened in the last 2 weeks?
Well, we have kept in touch with our birthmother a lot through emails and texts. She had another ultrasound done and texted me the pics which was awesome. Her last one is Oct 9th. Looking at our calenders there was really only 1 weekend available for a visit to California which is Oct 13th, so we will be heading out there on the 12th and getting back on the 14th. A whirlwind of a trip. I am not sure what all to expect or how much time she actually wants to spend with us. I have never been to California though, so I am sure we can find things to do :) One of my co-resident's wedding is that same weekend and we had hoped to go, but this trumps that and really is the only weekend available for us. ( I have an interview the weekend before, am on call the weekend after, and the last weekend I am in Miami at a conference)
We have a conference call scheduled with the attorney, our case worker and the financial woman on Tuesday evening. We have some questions for them regarding our account and things they never told us going in to the process that is a little irritating, but hopefully it will get worked out on Tuesday. During that call we should also get some help as to what to do, what to avoid and what to expect during our visit with the birthmother.
Our one biggest points of irritation which isn't our Agencies fault, but it IS their fault for not telling us in advance is that apparently we have to stay in California until the paperwork goes through for us to legally leave the state with the baby. This can take up to 10 days, but you have to add in the day in advance of the birth and then she has until 5 pm the day after she is discharged to change her mind and the trip becomes 2 weeks-ish. Now I KNOW this was never brought up in all our of pre-signing up talks and conference calls and was never mentioned in the paperwork. It wouldn't have changed our minds to go ahead and adopt with this agency or with this birthmother, but it would have been nice to not be surprised with this information AFTER we matched. 2 weeks in a hotel in California will get expensive and we did not budget for that. Also, that eats up half my maternity leave sitting in a hotel with an infant. The silver linining is that we will have 10 days or so to get to know him and his routines before boarding a plane and annoying everyone around us :) And that is time that Dusty and I can spend with him without nay worries about work or the pets or anythign else. We can just submerge ourselves in taking care of and loving him without distraction which will be amazing.
OH!! I got my first baby care package :) My mom sent me a little box of goodies for the baby. Here are some pics:
There were a few other things in there too - some onesies, baby shampoo and A&D ointment.
We also purchased a dresser this weekend for his stuff. It was only $10 at a garage sale. It needs a new coat of paint, but is really heavy, sturdy wood with nothing broken or warped. Now we will have a spot for all his things.
Will let you know how the conference call goes!
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Conference call part 2
Hmmm...while I want to fill everyone in on every detail, I don't think that is appropriate. I will say what I think is fair game though.
My one burning question was why she chose us. Her answer was because she wanted a mother and a father that supported success. She liked that we were both doctors and felt like we would set him up and push success in his life. She wants him to go to college and get a good career and thought that parents who had gone down that road would be more likely to raise him to want that as well. Secondly, she had always been into horses growing up, but had only spent a small amount of time in lessons until the money ran out and she felt a commonality with us through that as well.
She was worried that our jobs could be very stressful. Her mother was a cardiac nurse and brought her job stress home with her frequently. I told her that while residency has been stressful at times, that I chose this field because of the generally flexible hours and no life and death type situations. Dusty also reassured her that his job is also nice in the fact that he can get challenged and there are cases he worries over, but that he is able to leave work at work most of the time.
There was a lot of personal talk about her situation and us and what we are expecting. It was nice and calming to talk to her because she is a very intelligent woman who knows what she wants. She has a plan and I am hopeful that things will work out.
As for the baby, she told us that she will not be naming him and that any name that we come up with will go on his birth certificate. That was exciting news!! Some women choose to name the baby and then the adoptive parents change it at the 6 month mark once everything is finalized. We are 99% sure we have agreed upon a name, but I won't reveal it just yet.
She also has a birthing plan. Talking to our case worker, she said that they send a social worker out to speak to the birth mother about 4 weeks before the due date to discuss this. I don't think it will be a long conversation. She said that she is having a c-section and that she does not want to hold the baby at all after he is born. She will not have any family or friends with her and asked that Dusty or I (or both if they let us) be present to accept the baby. We will then be cleaning him up and feeding him while they finish up working on her. After that she doesn't want ot see him or hold him at all during the hospitalization. It is not that she doesn't care for him, but that she has made up her mind that this is what is best and does not want emotions to overtake her in the end. This will be a very wonderful time for us if it goes according to the plan :)
She then asked us if we want her to pump for the first time so that he gets his colostrum. We agreed that this is important for him to have. She bottle fed her first son and said that she had tried pumping, but it did not work and she did not really produce anything. If she can do it, we would like her to pump just once for us and then he will be on formula after that.
She then offered suggestions on what worked best for her with her other son with diapers (she likes Luvs) and formula (she eventually liked simulac). She said that there are ready to feed bottles that are a little more pricey but are just mix in the bottle and go and that those are a life saver if you are in a hurry.
In the end we also agreed to go out and meet her and her first son in October. Our case worker had suggested a meeting prior to the birth to make it less awkward and our birthmother agreed. We will only be able to sneak out for a Fri-Sun, so not much time with her, but she understands that we need to save all of our time off for when the baby is here.
Then she sent me the ultrasound pics which were soooo amazing to see. She already referred to him as "your son" and it sent shivers down my back. I am being a little removed emotionally though because it will just be devastating if she does change her mind. If I can be a little removed until then at least it won't kill me.
We are going to keep in touch over the next month until we meet up with her and then continue that until the birth. So exciting!!! I never imagined going through all of this when I pictured being a mother, but I will tell you one thing. If any adopted child ever feels like they are unwanted, they should learn about the process because it is a huge ordeal and anyone who goes through all of this REALLY wants that child.
My one burning question was why she chose us. Her answer was because she wanted a mother and a father that supported success. She liked that we were both doctors and felt like we would set him up and push success in his life. She wants him to go to college and get a good career and thought that parents who had gone down that road would be more likely to raise him to want that as well. Secondly, she had always been into horses growing up, but had only spent a small amount of time in lessons until the money ran out and she felt a commonality with us through that as well.
She was worried that our jobs could be very stressful. Her mother was a cardiac nurse and brought her job stress home with her frequently. I told her that while residency has been stressful at times, that I chose this field because of the generally flexible hours and no life and death type situations. Dusty also reassured her that his job is also nice in the fact that he can get challenged and there are cases he worries over, but that he is able to leave work at work most of the time.
There was a lot of personal talk about her situation and us and what we are expecting. It was nice and calming to talk to her because she is a very intelligent woman who knows what she wants. She has a plan and I am hopeful that things will work out.
As for the baby, she told us that she will not be naming him and that any name that we come up with will go on his birth certificate. That was exciting news!! Some women choose to name the baby and then the adoptive parents change it at the 6 month mark once everything is finalized. We are 99% sure we have agreed upon a name, but I won't reveal it just yet.
She also has a birthing plan. Talking to our case worker, she said that they send a social worker out to speak to the birth mother about 4 weeks before the due date to discuss this. I don't think it will be a long conversation. She said that she is having a c-section and that she does not want to hold the baby at all after he is born. She will not have any family or friends with her and asked that Dusty or I (or both if they let us) be present to accept the baby. We will then be cleaning him up and feeding him while they finish up working on her. After that she doesn't want ot see him or hold him at all during the hospitalization. It is not that she doesn't care for him, but that she has made up her mind that this is what is best and does not want emotions to overtake her in the end. This will be a very wonderful time for us if it goes according to the plan :)
She then asked us if we want her to pump for the first time so that he gets his colostrum. We agreed that this is important for him to have. She bottle fed her first son and said that she had tried pumping, but it did not work and she did not really produce anything. If she can do it, we would like her to pump just once for us and then he will be on formula after that.
She then offered suggestions on what worked best for her with her other son with diapers (she likes Luvs) and formula (she eventually liked simulac). She said that there are ready to feed bottles that are a little more pricey but are just mix in the bottle and go and that those are a life saver if you are in a hurry.
In the end we also agreed to go out and meet her and her first son in October. Our case worker had suggested a meeting prior to the birth to make it less awkward and our birthmother agreed. We will only be able to sneak out for a Fri-Sun, so not much time with her, but she understands that we need to save all of our time off for when the baby is here.
Then she sent me the ultrasound pics which were soooo amazing to see. She already referred to him as "your son" and it sent shivers down my back. I am being a little removed emotionally though because it will just be devastating if she does change her mind. If I can be a little removed until then at least it won't kill me.
We are going to keep in touch over the next month until we meet up with her and then continue that until the birth. So exciting!!! I never imagined going through all of this when I pictured being a mother, but I will tell you one thing. If any adopted child ever feels like they are unwanted, they should learn about the process because it is a huge ordeal and anyone who goes through all of this REALLY wants that child.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
The Conference Call
We were VERY nervous about this. What do you say to a woman who you have never met, but knows a lot about you and is about to agree to something you've been dreaming of for a long time?
It helped that she was nervous too. Could you imagine being turned down by a prospectice adoptive family that you picked? I can't.
We are 2 hours ahead of CA time, so picking a time was a little dicey. It couldn't be before work obviously or she would have had to get up at 2 am. After work is hard because I never actually know when after work is going to be. Dusty is gone for the weekend to a conference and I am on call for the next 7 days. In the end we picked 11 am our time yesterday since Dusty doesn't head in to work until 12ish on Wed and my morning was light. Our case worker had said that the birthmother was very quiet and probably wouldn't say too much, so the time frame should work out.
Dusty drove to my work so we could sit in the car with my cell on speaker and talk with her. I called her at 11 and after we all said he, the phone disconnected. Her phone had dropped the call. I called her back and it happened again :( We were not off to a good start.
Things got back on track though and then there was that awkward moment when none of us knew really what to say to get the ball rolling. She asked me if I had any questions and I had 1 burning one: Why did she choose us?
That sparked the conversation and it just rolled on from there. We talked to her about sooooo much and only stopped after 1 hr 40 mins when I couldn't miss any more work. I learned a lot about her and what she is thinking about and I hope she learned a lot about us too. At the end we made plans to visit her for a short weekend in October to make the birth not so awkward and she really wants us to meet her 2 year old son as well. We also exchanged email and phone numbers so that we can keep in touch over the next 12 weeks. She really wants us to keep in touch with her over this time.
Afterward we felt so great about this match! :) It is a really good thing and we are so happy. I will fill you in on more of the conversation in my next post. After I went back to work I received a text from her and guess what it contained?????
Pictures of her ultrasounds!!!!!! :) I could see him and it was so amazing and it made it so much more real.
It helped that she was nervous too. Could you imagine being turned down by a prospectice adoptive family that you picked? I can't.
We are 2 hours ahead of CA time, so picking a time was a little dicey. It couldn't be before work obviously or she would have had to get up at 2 am. After work is hard because I never actually know when after work is going to be. Dusty is gone for the weekend to a conference and I am on call for the next 7 days. In the end we picked 11 am our time yesterday since Dusty doesn't head in to work until 12ish on Wed and my morning was light. Our case worker had said that the birthmother was very quiet and probably wouldn't say too much, so the time frame should work out.
Dusty drove to my work so we could sit in the car with my cell on speaker and talk with her. I called her at 11 and after we all said he, the phone disconnected. Her phone had dropped the call. I called her back and it happened again :( We were not off to a good start.
Things got back on track though and then there was that awkward moment when none of us knew really what to say to get the ball rolling. She asked me if I had any questions and I had 1 burning one: Why did she choose us?
That sparked the conversation and it just rolled on from there. We talked to her about sooooo much and only stopped after 1 hr 40 mins when I couldn't miss any more work. I learned a lot about her and what she is thinking about and I hope she learned a lot about us too. At the end we made plans to visit her for a short weekend in October to make the birth not so awkward and she really wants us to meet her 2 year old son as well. We also exchanged email and phone numbers so that we can keep in touch over the next 12 weeks. She really wants us to keep in touch with her over this time.
Afterward we felt so great about this match! :) It is a really good thing and we are so happy. I will fill you in on more of the conversation in my next post. After I went back to work I received a text from her and guess what it contained?????
Pictures of her ultrasounds!!!!!! :) I could see him and it was so amazing and it made it so much more real.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Phase 2 :)
I can't believe we are about to begin phase 2!!! It has only been 3 months that we have been presented to birthmothers :) Sorry in advance for the overload of smiey faces and exclamation marks in this post. I am just soooo insanely happy right now. It is a great feeling to know that we are desirable and someone out there trusts us for this. And I"M GOING TO BE A MOM!!
Ok....deep breath.
I don't think I should put too much detailed information about the birthmother here on the internet, but I can fill in some things.
As my last post said, we got the phone call on Friday. Our caseworker gave us the basic information - her due date, that it was a boy, where she was from, and some of her basic feelings from her conversation with the birthmother. She said that she would send us some information via email that night for us to look through. We have until tomorrow to decide if we are going to accept this match or not.
Friday night I stayed up super late looking through everything and it was a lot of information. It included her personal information - name, height, weight, eye color, address etc... It also had pictures of her. She included what information she could of the father which was basically his description. Then there was information regarding her past medical history and that of her family. I don't think it is right to put this out for everyone, but I will say that it is pretty benign. No drugs or alcohol throughout the pregnancy. She does smoke and has throughout - started at 1/2 pack per day and is at 3 cigs per day now. While this is not preferable, it is not a deal breaker for us either and according to our agent we would be hard pressed to find a birthmother who doesn't smoke. There is a grandmother with a mental health history, but after I researched it more and found out the genetics behind it we are okay with that too.
Last we got a ton of information about her prenatal care to date. And I mean a ton. Apparently it is quite rare that the birthmother goes to appointments and has care. It is one of the hardest things when adopting to deal with - the lack of control over the prenatal health and the fact that they don't seem to really care. Anyway, this is definitly not her. She has gone to every appointment and even above and beyond that. She does have a 2 year old son from a previous marriage who was born with a heart condition requiring heart surgery at 3 months old. Because of that she underwent a fetal echo that showed perfectly normal anatomy. This alone has made us love this woman - she is showing above normal care for this baby and he is getting the best prenatal care possible. She also wrote a paragraph as to why she is going through with the adoption which was interesting to read, but too personal for me to put on the internet.
Thats about it. Obviously we have decided to accept this match and we are on cloud 9. We are trying to not get our hopes up too much though. 10% change their mind at the time of birth. Oh! She is from California (yeah - california in november :) which is the BEST state because she only has 24 hours after the birth to change her mind. So we will know quickly if we get to bring him home or not.
There is sooooo much to think about right now. Our next step is a conference call with her sometime this week to ahve a chance to get to know her better and allow either or both of us to ask questions. Our caseworker doesn't think she will have too many questions for us and I really only have a couple myself - one being why she chose us although Dusty says he doesn't really care. More to come...
Ok....deep breath.
I don't think I should put too much detailed information about the birthmother here on the internet, but I can fill in some things.
As my last post said, we got the phone call on Friday. Our caseworker gave us the basic information - her due date, that it was a boy, where she was from, and some of her basic feelings from her conversation with the birthmother. She said that she would send us some information via email that night for us to look through. We have until tomorrow to decide if we are going to accept this match or not.
Friday night I stayed up super late looking through everything and it was a lot of information. It included her personal information - name, height, weight, eye color, address etc... It also had pictures of her. She included what information she could of the father which was basically his description. Then there was information regarding her past medical history and that of her family. I don't think it is right to put this out for everyone, but I will say that it is pretty benign. No drugs or alcohol throughout the pregnancy. She does smoke and has throughout - started at 1/2 pack per day and is at 3 cigs per day now. While this is not preferable, it is not a deal breaker for us either and according to our agent we would be hard pressed to find a birthmother who doesn't smoke. There is a grandmother with a mental health history, but after I researched it more and found out the genetics behind it we are okay with that too.
Last we got a ton of information about her prenatal care to date. And I mean a ton. Apparently it is quite rare that the birthmother goes to appointments and has care. It is one of the hardest things when adopting to deal with - the lack of control over the prenatal health and the fact that they don't seem to really care. Anyway, this is definitly not her. She has gone to every appointment and even above and beyond that. She does have a 2 year old son from a previous marriage who was born with a heart condition requiring heart surgery at 3 months old. Because of that she underwent a fetal echo that showed perfectly normal anatomy. This alone has made us love this woman - she is showing above normal care for this baby and he is getting the best prenatal care possible. She also wrote a paragraph as to why she is going through with the adoption which was interesting to read, but too personal for me to put on the internet.
Thats about it. Obviously we have decided to accept this match and we are on cloud 9. We are trying to not get our hopes up too much though. 10% change their mind at the time of birth. Oh! She is from California (yeah - california in november :) which is the BEST state because she only has 24 hours after the birth to change her mind. So we will know quickly if we get to bring him home or not.
There is sooooo much to think about right now. Our next step is a conference call with her sometime this week to ahve a chance to get to know her better and allow either or both of us to ask questions. Our caseworker doesn't think she will have too many questions for us and I really only have a couple myself - one being why she chose us although Dusty says he doesn't really care. More to come...
Friday, August 31, 2012
WE GOT CHOSEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where to even begin???? I guess lets start at the beginning and keep everyone on the edge of their seats...
I am currently in Pittsburgh visiting with my family. Dusty is back home in Wisconsin. I left my dead cell phone to charge at my parents' house and went to visit my brother and family and watch my nephew show me how well he rides his first bike.
Dusty tracked me down on my brother's cell phone and was kinda annoyed sounding as he asked why I didn't have my phone on me. I explained and asked why it was such a big deal. His response: because at any moment we could be chosen. I was like "huh? what does that mean" and he told me WE WERE CHOSEN!!!!!!
I laughed, I cried, I cried some more, I jumped up and down and up and down and screamed to my wonderful family who was all around me "WE GOT PICKED!!!" And then proceeding to cry some more and try to listen to what he was telling me.
I have sooooo much information to share and this blog is going to get really interesting finally, but hopefully not tooo interesting (meaning drama and she changes her mind and everything goes down the drain, but you never know...it happens 10% of the time...) and I am all worn out but here is the very basic information to hold everyone over. I will fill in all the details tomorrow.
It is a boy
He is due on 11/29/12
She is from California
We have a big decision to make as to whether or not we want to accept this match and then we need to have a conference call with her so that we can discuss things and answer any additional questions and ask any that we may have. At that point we can choose to end the match or she could. If we both still agree it is hurry up and wait time again until late november.
BUT....
I could finally get to be a mom come the holidays :)
I am currently in Pittsburgh visiting with my family. Dusty is back home in Wisconsin. I left my dead cell phone to charge at my parents' house and went to visit my brother and family and watch my nephew show me how well he rides his first bike.
Dusty tracked me down on my brother's cell phone and was kinda annoyed sounding as he asked why I didn't have my phone on me. I explained and asked why it was such a big deal. His response: because at any moment we could be chosen. I was like "huh? what does that mean" and he told me WE WERE CHOSEN!!!!!!
I laughed, I cried, I cried some more, I jumped up and down and up and down and screamed to my wonderful family who was all around me "WE GOT PICKED!!!" And then proceeding to cry some more and try to listen to what he was telling me.
I have sooooo much information to share and this blog is going to get really interesting finally, but hopefully not tooo interesting (meaning drama and she changes her mind and everything goes down the drain, but you never know...it happens 10% of the time...) and I am all worn out but here is the very basic information to hold everyone over. I will fill in all the details tomorrow.
It is a boy
He is due on 11/29/12
She is from California
We have a big decision to make as to whether or not we want to accept this match and then we need to have a conference call with her so that we can discuss things and answer any additional questions and ask any that we may have. At that point we can choose to end the match or she could. If we both still agree it is hurry up and wait time again until late november.
BUT....
I could finally get to be a mom come the holidays :)
Friday, August 10, 2012
July Update
Man, another month has gone by already. It is going fast and yet slow at the same time.
Well, here is the update I got today from our agency:
We were presented to 8 total birthmothers.
1 has gone off the grid, so probably changed her mind about the adoption
2 have chosen other families and have been matched
5 are still looking at the profiles given to them and are trying to decide.
- PA
- OH
- GA
- CO
- MI
Keep those fingers crossed for us!!!
Well, here is the update I got today from our agency:
We were presented to 8 total birthmothers.
1 has gone off the grid, so probably changed her mind about the adoption
2 have chosen other families and have been matched
5 are still looking at the profiles given to them and are trying to decide.
- PA
- OH
- GA
- CO
- MI
Keep those fingers crossed for us!!!
Monday, August 6, 2012
Sorry it has been a while
but...nothing new has happened. This is the boring waiting game time.
I did have an interesting and not all that useful (or believable really) email conversation with our agency. Here is what happened:
I got to thinking (maybe not such a good idea :) about the whole time frame to being chosen thing. We have been told from the beginning that the average time it takes to be chosen is 6-12 months. We understood that and have been prepared to wait that time. We have also been told on numerous occasions that the time is just an average and that we could have been chosen day 1 or it could take 2 years. It all depends on the right birthmother coming along and choosing us. That when it is right it will be right and nothing will hurry that along. Fine. That works for us. But...
I got to thinking. Lets put it into a house selling analogy. You ahve a house that you need to sell. Lets say it is a tiny house on a bad street that is badly outdated and you are asking a ton of money for it and are unwilling to negotiate. Your realtor tells you that houses are taking roughly 6-12 months to sell. now, this house isn't getting much traffic. You get maybe 3 or 4 people walking through it a month. In 6 months you will have had 18-20 people see the house in that time span.
Now lets say you ahve a large, modern, beautifully kept up house on a highly desired street and you are asking very little money for it and are willing to work with the buyer in any way. You are also told it takes 6-12 months to sell these days. You are getting 10-12 people a month looking at the house. In 6 months you will have had 60-72 people see the house!
Ok...you can see where I am going with this. If house/person A only gets 20 people and house/person B gets 72..you would excpet person 2 to take a lot less time to seel the house.
I posed this to our agent wondering if instead of an average time frame if there was an average presentations that occur prior to being chosen. Her response made no sense. She said that it is so subjective and could happen at any time and is just the right person seeing the right profile that we can't use averages. then why give me an average time frame?? Wouldn't average presentations make more sense?
Am I the only one thinking that this makes NO SENSE AT ALL?
I did have an interesting and not all that useful (or believable really) email conversation with our agency. Here is what happened:
I got to thinking (maybe not such a good idea :) about the whole time frame to being chosen thing. We have been told from the beginning that the average time it takes to be chosen is 6-12 months. We understood that and have been prepared to wait that time. We have also been told on numerous occasions that the time is just an average and that we could have been chosen day 1 or it could take 2 years. It all depends on the right birthmother coming along and choosing us. That when it is right it will be right and nothing will hurry that along. Fine. That works for us. But...
I got to thinking. Lets put it into a house selling analogy. You ahve a house that you need to sell. Lets say it is a tiny house on a bad street that is badly outdated and you are asking a ton of money for it and are unwilling to negotiate. Your realtor tells you that houses are taking roughly 6-12 months to sell. now, this house isn't getting much traffic. You get maybe 3 or 4 people walking through it a month. In 6 months you will have had 18-20 people see the house in that time span.
Now lets say you ahve a large, modern, beautifully kept up house on a highly desired street and you are asking very little money for it and are willing to work with the buyer in any way. You are also told it takes 6-12 months to sell these days. You are getting 10-12 people a month looking at the house. In 6 months you will have had 60-72 people see the house!
Ok...you can see where I am going with this. If house/person A only gets 20 people and house/person B gets 72..you would excpet person 2 to take a lot less time to seel the house.
I posed this to our agent wondering if instead of an average time frame if there was an average presentations that occur prior to being chosen. Her response made no sense. She said that it is so subjective and could happen at any time and is just the right person seeing the right profile that we can't use averages. then why give me an average time frame?? Wouldn't average presentations make more sense?
Am I the only one thinking that this makes NO SENSE AT ALL?
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Looking for a car seat
When we finished all of the paperwork and were made available for presentation, Dusty and I had said we really wanted to get a bassinet and car seat to have just in case. With a normal pregnancy you get roughly 8 months or so to prepare and you have a rough guestimate on the due date. For us, we have no clue. The earliest someone can be chosen is at the beginning of the 3rd trimester which would give us roughly 3 months or so to prepare. But, we could also be chosen by someone who has only 2 weeks or even less to go. I am hoping that we never get into the situation where we are on the emergency list and then get chosen by someone who is either in labor or had just had the baby and we need to leave ASAP (emergency list is reserved for those who have had the birthmother change her mind at time of birth or if you have been waiting for 2 years or more). In theory this does give us some wiggle room to get things in order, but we really want to have the essentials so we are not running around like mad.
We consider a bassinet (place for baby to safely sleep) and car seat (way to get baby home to us) to be the essentials. Yes, we will need formula, diapers, bathing supplies, adorable baby clothes of all sorts (with cute slippers too :) etc... However, that stuff can be added as we go and will be easier to find what we want.
My mom was awesome and bought the bassinet that I posted earlier about. I still love it, but it just really, really, really needs filled now ;) She also got us a cute swing. Now we need the car seat. I have tried shopping for one but they are all ugly and bulky. Most seem to be the car seat/stroller combo these days which does make sense. The base stays in the car and it makes life easier, but man it is bulky. We have no stores really around us that are any good. Toys R Us had some stuff, but I didn't like any of them. We do not have a Babys R Us. I think Target has some and I will look there. I can also check out Walmart, but in general try to avoid that place.
Anyone who has one or knows someone who does have any suggestions??
We consider a bassinet (place for baby to safely sleep) and car seat (way to get baby home to us) to be the essentials. Yes, we will need formula, diapers, bathing supplies, adorable baby clothes of all sorts (with cute slippers too :) etc... However, that stuff can be added as we go and will be easier to find what we want.
My mom was awesome and bought the bassinet that I posted earlier about. I still love it, but it just really, really, really needs filled now ;) She also got us a cute swing. Now we need the car seat. I have tried shopping for one but they are all ugly and bulky. Most seem to be the car seat/stroller combo these days which does make sense. The base stays in the car and it makes life easier, but man it is bulky. We have no stores really around us that are any good. Toys R Us had some stuff, but I didn't like any of them. We do not have a Babys R Us. I think Target has some and I will look there. I can also check out Walmart, but in general try to avoid that place.
Anyone who has one or knows someone who does have any suggestions??
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Our June Update
*Yes, I know it is July, but this information is about our account activity from June*
Well, the good news is we have another update with good numbers. Bad news is...we have another update... which means we have not been chosen yet. But chin up! I won't let myself stress about it at all mainly because it won't help matters and also because I keep reminding myself that the average is 6-12 months. There are a lot of people waiting and hoping and fewer birthmothers. It will just take some time. I do find myself thinking about it briefly probably about every other day or so. I am not sure if Dusty does the same or not. Every couple/few days I find myself thinking that any moment could bring a phone call full of promise and joy. I don't mind though because it is fleeting and I keep in mind that it is out of my hands now.
Our monthly report had us being presented to 10 birthmothers!! That would fall under the good-great category. With numbers like that we are bound to get chosen sooner rather than later. (On a side note - I do wonder if they could give me more of an average number of presentations prior to being chosen versus time since I would think that visibility would have more of an effect than overall time on the wait list, but anyway...)
Here is the breakdown:
3 birthmothers have been given the profiles, but have not gotten back in contact with the agency. This generally means they have decided to keep the baby and not move forward with placement.
4 birthmothers have been given the profiles and have chosen and matched with another family. While this is a total bummer for us, I am happy that those couples have found their child and that the baby will hopefully grow up with a loving family that they fit in with. This is not purely out of a nice and generous spirit although it really partly is - this means that 4 more couples are off the list :) I was not given any information as to why the specific family was chosen or why we were not.
That leaves us with 3 birthmothers who were given the profiles and have been in contact, but have not chosen yet. These are our hopefuls still :). One was from 6/7, one 6/20 and the other from 6/22. I do not know where the first birhtmother is located but the second is in Ohio and the third in the state of Washington.
In case you are interested the birthmothers who have chosen another family are from:
California
Georgia
Utah
Indiana
Let's keep our fingers crossed and our thoughts happy about the remaining 3 or a new one to choose us soon!!!!
Well, the good news is we have another update with good numbers. Bad news is...we have another update... which means we have not been chosen yet. But chin up! I won't let myself stress about it at all mainly because it won't help matters and also because I keep reminding myself that the average is 6-12 months. There are a lot of people waiting and hoping and fewer birthmothers. It will just take some time. I do find myself thinking about it briefly probably about every other day or so. I am not sure if Dusty does the same or not. Every couple/few days I find myself thinking that any moment could bring a phone call full of promise and joy. I don't mind though because it is fleeting and I keep in mind that it is out of my hands now.
Our monthly report had us being presented to 10 birthmothers!! That would fall under the good-great category. With numbers like that we are bound to get chosen sooner rather than later. (On a side note - I do wonder if they could give me more of an average number of presentations prior to being chosen versus time since I would think that visibility would have more of an effect than overall time on the wait list, but anyway...)
Here is the breakdown:
3 birthmothers have been given the profiles, but have not gotten back in contact with the agency. This generally means they have decided to keep the baby and not move forward with placement.
4 birthmothers have been given the profiles and have chosen and matched with another family. While this is a total bummer for us, I am happy that those couples have found their child and that the baby will hopefully grow up with a loving family that they fit in with. This is not purely out of a nice and generous spirit although it really partly is - this means that 4 more couples are off the list :) I was not given any information as to why the specific family was chosen or why we were not.
That leaves us with 3 birthmothers who were given the profiles and have been in contact, but have not chosen yet. These are our hopefuls still :). One was from 6/7, one 6/20 and the other from 6/22. I do not know where the first birhtmother is located but the second is in Ohio and the third in the state of Washington.
In case you are interested the birthmothers who have chosen another family are from:
California
Georgia
Utah
Indiana
Let's keep our fingers crossed and our thoughts happy about the remaining 3 or a new one to choose us soon!!!!
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Q&A Session 2 - Expense Part 3 of 3
Well, nothing new to report on the adoptin front. Next monthly report is due by next Tuesday. It will be interesting to see what the numbers are like after our first full month on the wait list. In a way the report is bad news since we wouldn't need a report had we been chosen, but every month brings us a little closer.
Now to wrap up the expense information.
Phase 3
This is the legal phase. It begins with the birth of the baby and ends after the baby is legally transferred to us. I actually know very little about this since it seems so very far off in the future. There is a lot of behind the scenes paperwork that needs to be done to make the whole thing legal. Once the baby is born and we bring him/her home we have a 6 month period where we are technically "fostering" the baby. Home visits need to take place and timing depends on the agency. Ours has a 1 month, 3 month and 6 month check. They come to the house and make sure the baby is well fed, healthy, happy and advancing per age. At the end we have a court appearance where the judge decides to finalize it or not. There is a small ceremony where we rename the baby if we want and get a new birth certificate with our last name on it. Depending on the state this occurs in, the orignal records can be sealed off (whether we want them to or not) until the baby is 19 or forever. We have no say in all of that. All of this is covered in the legal fees we pay in this phase.
And that is it....well...except for all the adoabel little clothes and hats and shoes and toys and furniture and.....
Now to wrap up the expense information.
Phase 3
This is the legal phase. It begins with the birth of the baby and ends after the baby is legally transferred to us. I actually know very little about this since it seems so very far off in the future. There is a lot of behind the scenes paperwork that needs to be done to make the whole thing legal. Once the baby is born and we bring him/her home we have a 6 month period where we are technically "fostering" the baby. Home visits need to take place and timing depends on the agency. Ours has a 1 month, 3 month and 6 month check. They come to the house and make sure the baby is well fed, healthy, happy and advancing per age. At the end we have a court appearance where the judge decides to finalize it or not. There is a small ceremony where we rename the baby if we want and get a new birth certificate with our last name on it. Depending on the state this occurs in, the orignal records can be sealed off (whether we want them to or not) until the baby is 19 or forever. We have no say in all of that. All of this is covered in the legal fees we pay in this phase.
And that is it....well...except for all the adoabel little clothes and hats and shoes and toys and furniture and.....
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Q&A Session 2: Expenses Part 2b of 3
Phase 2 continued
Ok..where was I? We are responsible for birthmother expenses once we agree to the match except for medical bills.
I asked our case worker if a birthmother could agree to a match with us through our agency and to another couple through another agency and collect money from both. I know, I can be pretty cynical, but you have to think of everything. I suppose they could always do this, but it is illegal to do so. A birthmother can only legally collect expenses from one source. If she does try to be sneaky and gets caught there are big penalties.
Then I asked our case worker what happens to those 10% of couples/people who are helping out all along and at the birth the birthmother changes her mind and decides to keep and raise the baby. Basically you are just SOL. First off, even if you could ask for it all back, the chances that she has any money laying around to give you are basically none. So good luck getting any. Second of all, it was charity to begin with so legally you can't ask or get any money back. I guess you just have to look at it like you helped someone out through tough times. Honestly, if this happens to us the last thing we will be thinking about is money. We will be so heart broken over coming so close and being so excited that we really won't care.
There is some help though. Once you have been through this and the birthmother changes her mind, you are placed on the "emergency" list if you so choose. This list is only for those people who have had a match fall through due to this scenario or if you ahve been waiting over 2 years. The emergency list is used for those birthmothers who did not have a plan for adoption in place prior to the birth and then decide to adopt. I am not 100% sure how you are chosen - I think it is still based on your profile and she gets to choose, but there are also times when she gives her requirements to the agency and then they pick based on numerous factors. Either way, the child has been born (but is still an infant, they get on board while the mother is still in the hospital immediately after birth or even a day or so before) and so when you are chosen and agree to the match, there are no living expenses at all. It ends up being a wash in the end money wise, but not stress wise.
The other thing our agency does is to forgive any legal expenses for that child. Once a match has been agreed upon, certain behind the scenes legal things occur with papers, court orders, and such. There are of course expenses for this that are not charged for until later. Any outstanding fees that have accrued for this specific match are forgiven and erased by our agency for us.
I think that is about it for phase 2. Phase 3 is up next....
Ok..where was I? We are responsible for birthmother expenses once we agree to the match except for medical bills.
I asked our case worker if a birthmother could agree to a match with us through our agency and to another couple through another agency and collect money from both. I know, I can be pretty cynical, but you have to think of everything. I suppose they could always do this, but it is illegal to do so. A birthmother can only legally collect expenses from one source. If she does try to be sneaky and gets caught there are big penalties.
Then I asked our case worker what happens to those 10% of couples/people who are helping out all along and at the birth the birthmother changes her mind and decides to keep and raise the baby. Basically you are just SOL. First off, even if you could ask for it all back, the chances that she has any money laying around to give you are basically none. So good luck getting any. Second of all, it was charity to begin with so legally you can't ask or get any money back. I guess you just have to look at it like you helped someone out through tough times. Honestly, if this happens to us the last thing we will be thinking about is money. We will be so heart broken over coming so close and being so excited that we really won't care.
There is some help though. Once you have been through this and the birthmother changes her mind, you are placed on the "emergency" list if you so choose. This list is only for those people who have had a match fall through due to this scenario or if you ahve been waiting over 2 years. The emergency list is used for those birthmothers who did not have a plan for adoption in place prior to the birth and then decide to adopt. I am not 100% sure how you are chosen - I think it is still based on your profile and she gets to choose, but there are also times when she gives her requirements to the agency and then they pick based on numerous factors. Either way, the child has been born (but is still an infant, they get on board while the mother is still in the hospital immediately after birth or even a day or so before) and so when you are chosen and agree to the match, there are no living expenses at all. It ends up being a wash in the end money wise, but not stress wise.
The other thing our agency does is to forgive any legal expenses for that child. Once a match has been agreed upon, certain behind the scenes legal things occur with papers, court orders, and such. There are of course expenses for this that are not charged for until later. Any outstanding fees that have accrued for this specific match are forgiven and erased by our agency for us.
I think that is about it for phase 2. Phase 3 is up next....
Monday, June 18, 2012
Bassinet Pics
Here is the bassinet my mom bought for us. I think it is just perfect!
I love the fact that it could be for a boy or a girl without being grey and ugly like the other ones I saw. It is very easy to put up and comes with a carrying bag and wheels so you can take it with you if you travel anywhere.
The changing table is rated for up to 30 pounds and easily swings over and fold flat against the side when you don't need to use it. I didn't get a picture, but the is a giraffe print tray and storage area on the outside of the side with the changing table for diapers and baby powder etc...The table folds over the top of it so you don't have to remove it.
Once the baby is big enough to pull him/herself upright the mattress can be removed and the unit used as a playpen until the child is old enough to get out of it by him/herself.
We are planning to keep it in our bedroom at first until we are comfortable enough to move it to the nursery room. This should help limit the need for a real crib for a bit so we don't buy one and it get ruined in the move next year.
I love the fact that it could be for a boy or a girl without being grey and ugly like the other ones I saw. It is very easy to put up and comes with a carrying bag and wheels so you can take it with you if you travel anywhere.
The changing table is rated for up to 30 pounds and easily swings over and fold flat against the side when you don't need to use it. I didn't get a picture, but the is a giraffe print tray and storage area on the outside of the side with the changing table for diapers and baby powder etc...The table folds over the top of it so you don't have to remove it.
Once the baby is big enough to pull him/herself upright the mattress can be removed and the unit used as a playpen until the child is old enough to get out of it by him/herself.
We are planning to keep it in our bedroom at first until we are comfortable enough to move it to the nursery room. This should help limit the need for a real crib for a bit so we don't buy one and it get ruined in the move next year.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Q&A Session 2: Expense Part 2a of 3
Yes, we are still alive and kicking. It has been an incredibly busy couple of weeks and has nothing to do with the adoption unfortunately. Just life getting in the way again.
I don't know if I had mentioned, but my parents came to visit over the Memorial Day weekend and my mom bought us a really cute unisex bassinet that I just love. It is a tan giraffe print on top with bright green piping and a dark brown lower portion. The mattress has a giraffe, monkey, elephant and something else I can't remember right now on it as does the little plush mobile. It also makes soothing noises and has a changing table. She also got us a really adorable swing that is the most plush fleece I have felt and is a sheep pattern. I'd sleep in the thing if I could fit! Of course the cats helped to inspect everything and make sure it is comfortable and easy to use. I will post pictures when I am at home.
Well, back to talking about the expense associated with all this. Where was I? Phase 2 I think.
Phase 2:
This is the more interesting part when it comes to talking about expenses. Phase 2 begins once the match has been made and accepted by both the birthmother and the prospective adopting parents and ends once the baby is born (or one or both parities changes their mind, but lets not think about that).
It is illegal to exchange money for a child. That was called slavery. Most of the birthmothers need help, however, and it in not illegal to provide for the birthmother which is an act of charity. Basically, in this phase, once we have accepted a match we take over responsibility for living expenses for the birthmother until the baby is born. This is why there is such a large range given for the overall cost. Think of it like this example:
Birthmother #1: A 16 year old girl going to high school in the middle of nowhere Wyoming and living with her parents. She chooses us with 2 weeks left to go.
Birthmother #2: A 30 year old single woman with a small apartment in downtown Manhattan living alone and unable to work due to the pregnancy. She chooses us with 3 months to go.
Obviously the second birthmother will require a lot more money during this phase than the first. What are we responsible for?
- Rent
- Food money
-Utilities
- Getting to and from the doctor for pregnancy related visits
- Fun money to pass away the time
We are not responsible for any medical related fees, since all pregnant women in the USA are immediately placed on Medical Assistance if not on insurance already.
When we created our account with the agency they asked us what range of birthmother expenses we were willing/able to allow - low, medium, high. We chose high, not because we have a money tree out back, but really, in the grander scheme of things it wasn't a breaking point. It also would not eliminate any potential women just based on that. If we did get chosen by someone that would end up requiring way more than we are prepared for, we would have the decision to say no to the match.
While I am not 100% sure on the exact way it is handled, I know that we have a pool of money with the agency (all on the credit card, ick) for this reason (or will have anyway once we get chosen). Every expense must be cleared by us in advance, so the birthmother can't decide to go on a weekend get-a-way at the spa and charge us for it. Or tell us that she needs $1,000 for groceries this week. What I don't know yet is if she pays for it herself up front and then submits a receipt and request for money or if she asks before she spends it. Either way, we get to say yes or no with the understanding that we can't say no to everything or basic needs. It is more for the fun things - like going to get a pedicure or to rent a movie etc...
This does also depend on the state she lives in. Pennsylvania does not allow any money for any reason at all. Guess how many birthmothers adopt in PA? Yup, pretty much none. Other states put a cap on the total amount or limit how it is spent.
More on Phase 2 in the next post....
I don't know if I had mentioned, but my parents came to visit over the Memorial Day weekend and my mom bought us a really cute unisex bassinet that I just love. It is a tan giraffe print on top with bright green piping and a dark brown lower portion. The mattress has a giraffe, monkey, elephant and something else I can't remember right now on it as does the little plush mobile. It also makes soothing noises and has a changing table. She also got us a really adorable swing that is the most plush fleece I have felt and is a sheep pattern. I'd sleep in the thing if I could fit! Of course the cats helped to inspect everything and make sure it is comfortable and easy to use. I will post pictures when I am at home.
Well, back to talking about the expense associated with all this. Where was I? Phase 2 I think.
Phase 2:
This is the more interesting part when it comes to talking about expenses. Phase 2 begins once the match has been made and accepted by both the birthmother and the prospective adopting parents and ends once the baby is born (or one or both parities changes their mind, but lets not think about that).
It is illegal to exchange money for a child. That was called slavery. Most of the birthmothers need help, however, and it in not illegal to provide for the birthmother which is an act of charity. Basically, in this phase, once we have accepted a match we take over responsibility for living expenses for the birthmother until the baby is born. This is why there is such a large range given for the overall cost. Think of it like this example:
Birthmother #1: A 16 year old girl going to high school in the middle of nowhere Wyoming and living with her parents. She chooses us with 2 weeks left to go.
Birthmother #2: A 30 year old single woman with a small apartment in downtown Manhattan living alone and unable to work due to the pregnancy. She chooses us with 3 months to go.
Obviously the second birthmother will require a lot more money during this phase than the first. What are we responsible for?
- Rent
- Food money
-Utilities
- Getting to and from the doctor for pregnancy related visits
- Fun money to pass away the time
We are not responsible for any medical related fees, since all pregnant women in the USA are immediately placed on Medical Assistance if not on insurance already.
When we created our account with the agency they asked us what range of birthmother expenses we were willing/able to allow - low, medium, high. We chose high, not because we have a money tree out back, but really, in the grander scheme of things it wasn't a breaking point. It also would not eliminate any potential women just based on that. If we did get chosen by someone that would end up requiring way more than we are prepared for, we would have the decision to say no to the match.
While I am not 100% sure on the exact way it is handled, I know that we have a pool of money with the agency (all on the credit card, ick) for this reason (or will have anyway once we get chosen). Every expense must be cleared by us in advance, so the birthmother can't decide to go on a weekend get-a-way at the spa and charge us for it. Or tell us that she needs $1,000 for groceries this week. What I don't know yet is if she pays for it herself up front and then submits a receipt and request for money or if she asks before she spends it. Either way, we get to say yes or no with the understanding that we can't say no to everything or basic needs. It is more for the fun things - like going to get a pedicure or to rent a movie etc...
This does also depend on the state she lives in. Pennsylvania does not allow any money for any reason at all. Guess how many birthmothers adopt in PA? Yup, pretty much none. Other states put a cap on the total amount or limit how it is spent.
More on Phase 2 in the next post....
Friday, June 8, 2012
Our First Email Status Update
Today we received our first email about our active account. It was exciting, but also kind of stinks because that means we have not be chosen yet.
Since we went "live" (2.5 weeks ago) we have been presented to 3 birthmothers.
The first chose a different family and is in the process of being matched and moving on.
The second has the profiles, but has not been in touch with the agency since and they believe that she has most likely decided not to move forward with an adoption process at this time.
The third has the profiles and has been in contact, but has not made a decision yet. She has had the profiles since 5/31. So I guess she is still a possibility for us.
It seems like we are on the right track for exposure at this point. The hard part is that while we fit the basic criteria, they might have such a wide range of acceptable qualities that we could just be one profile of 50 that she has to look through at one time. It all just depends on what she is willing to think about.
Keep us in your thoughts for a quick placement!!!!
Since we went "live" (2.5 weeks ago) we have been presented to 3 birthmothers.
The first chose a different family and is in the process of being matched and moving on.
The second has the profiles, but has not been in touch with the agency since and they believe that she has most likely decided not to move forward with an adoption process at this time.
The third has the profiles and has been in contact, but has not made a decision yet. She has had the profiles since 5/31. So I guess she is still a possibility for us.
It seems like we are on the right track for exposure at this point. The hard part is that while we fit the basic criteria, they might have such a wide range of acceptable qualities that we could just be one profile of 50 that she has to look through at one time. It all just depends on what she is willing to think about.
Keep us in your thoughts for a quick placement!!!!
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Talked to Our Caseworker
I finally talked with our case worker at the end of last week.
Now that everything is completed paperwork and profile wise (our homestudy is officially finished as well and we were approved to adopt :) we are in the waiting stage. She had our profile for 5 days and we had already been shown 2 times! :) As of last week neither birthmother had made any selection, but I am sure they have by now and it isn't us this time around. Our caseworker did once again state that while some people have been chosen the next day, the average is 6-12 months and to not get our hopes up too much. It will happen eventually though. They have a 100% sucess rate given enough time.
We are in the nationwide system to be presented now. On or around (gotta love how specific that is) the 10th of every month we will receive an email with an update of our account. This will include the number of times we were presented, if we were selected as a backup choice (birthmothers are asked to pick and rank 3) and the status of all people we were presented to (have the chosen and if so who, still deciding, changed mind etc...). Any negative feedback regarding the profile will also be shared.
I then asked what the numbers actually mean. I mean, if she tells me we were presented 2 times in the last month - is that good, bad or ugly? Given the filters we have in place and what we have to offer to fit into the filters of the birthmother, she said that something would be terribly wrong if we went a month without any presentations, 2-3 would be a bad month, 5-6 average, 7-8 good and 8-10 great. That at least gives me a reference point now to judge our information off of. It also lets me know that if we have good-great months that we should expect to have to reprint the profile in 5-6 months.
Apparently we are in a good position though. Supply and demand is high in a way. There are more potential adoptive parents than brithmothers wanting to adopt out their child. They currently have 120 people/couples wanting to adopt. Thats a lot. They placed 142 babies in 2011. The odds seem bad, but here is the kicker. While any approved potential adoptive parent can eventually get a match given enough time, there are certain factors that are more desirable than others to the majority of birthmothers (at this agency any way). Of all adoptive parents, the most desirable are in the minority giving them an advatange to being chosen. We happen to be in that group - Caucasian, 2 opposite genders, married for over 5 years, not over 40 years old, no other children, and professionals. So, while we still should expect a 6-12 month wait, generally speaking we should be highly sought after (along with all the other couples like us that are also waiting). Good news in a way.
Now that everything is completed paperwork and profile wise (our homestudy is officially finished as well and we were approved to adopt :) we are in the waiting stage. She had our profile for 5 days and we had already been shown 2 times! :) As of last week neither birthmother had made any selection, but I am sure they have by now and it isn't us this time around. Our caseworker did once again state that while some people have been chosen the next day, the average is 6-12 months and to not get our hopes up too much. It will happen eventually though. They have a 100% sucess rate given enough time.
We are in the nationwide system to be presented now. On or around (gotta love how specific that is) the 10th of every month we will receive an email with an update of our account. This will include the number of times we were presented, if we were selected as a backup choice (birthmothers are asked to pick and rank 3) and the status of all people we were presented to (have the chosen and if so who, still deciding, changed mind etc...). Any negative feedback regarding the profile will also be shared.
I then asked what the numbers actually mean. I mean, if she tells me we were presented 2 times in the last month - is that good, bad or ugly? Given the filters we have in place and what we have to offer to fit into the filters of the birthmother, she said that something would be terribly wrong if we went a month without any presentations, 2-3 would be a bad month, 5-6 average, 7-8 good and 8-10 great. That at least gives me a reference point now to judge our information off of. It also lets me know that if we have good-great months that we should expect to have to reprint the profile in 5-6 months.
Apparently we are in a good position though. Supply and demand is high in a way. There are more potential adoptive parents than brithmothers wanting to adopt out their child. They currently have 120 people/couples wanting to adopt. Thats a lot. They placed 142 babies in 2011. The odds seem bad, but here is the kicker. While any approved potential adoptive parent can eventually get a match given enough time, there are certain factors that are more desirable than others to the majority of birthmothers (at this agency any way). Of all adoptive parents, the most desirable are in the minority giving them an advatange to being chosen. We happen to be in that group - Caucasian, 2 opposite genders, married for over 5 years, not over 40 years old, no other children, and professionals. So, while we still should expect a 6-12 month wait, generally speaking we should be highly sought after (along with all the other couples like us that are also waiting). Good news in a way.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Q&A Session #2: Expenses Part 1 of 3
No new news here. The online profiles are both up. I have the hard copy of the printed version as does our caseworker. She said she would call me this week to talk about how it will all works from here until we are chosen, but hasn't yet. Things seem to move slower out in California. I was giving her until today and then I will give her a call. They are 2 hours behind, so I will make the call this afternoon and see what is going on.
With nothing new to report, I thought I would have a second Q&A session - How much does this all cost??
Sorry, but I don't think it is proper to post the actual dollar value online. I suppose a highly motivated person could just google the company or a similar company and find it out themselves. Instead I will go into how the money is spent, because that is interesting.
Our agency breaks it into 3 phases.
PHASE 1:
This is where we are now. This begins the moment we sign the contract and ends when we are chosen and agree to the match. This is also the biggest chunk of money at one time (well, actually it is split into 3 payments over 90 days). The money in this phase is guaranteed to the agency, so even if we put our account on hold or decide to not adopt, we still owe them the whole amount for the phase. The money spent here covers the cost of advertising for a birthmother and helps support their network of social workers for both birthmothers and adoptive parents. The way it was explained to us is that the amount we pay isn't to cover our costs specifically, but instead they figured out a while ago what their bottomline is (and I'm sure how much money they want to profit on top of that although they didn't say that) and divided it up amongst how many clients they generally have. This way the cost is less, supposedly, for everyone.
In this phase we were assigned our caseworker, made our profile, answered a million questions, and did the 2 online profiles. In addition to the money we paid the agency for this phase we also had to spend additional money for other necessary items.
First was the profile itself. While I wrote the text and gathered pictures, we hired the graphic designer to put it all together.). This is an option that for some reason most people do not take. I understnad it is an extra expense, but this is the most important part and in the end is just a drop in the bucket. We also had to pay to have it printed. We could have printed it ourselves on crappy paper, but with this being the most important part it really didn't seem worth it in the end, so professional quality it was with a professional price tag.
Second was the homestudy. We had to get a local agency to do this for us. They of course had a fee for themselves and since we live in the middle of nowehere we had to pay mileage for her to come to the house (which was annoying since we didn't have a choice - she had to come to the house for the site visit). On top of their fee we also had to get fingerprinted (twice since the first time ended up not being the correct way, so we had to redo it) and do the online classes.
Apparently, our main agency figures in the cost of the homestudy and printing into the big picture amount they quoted us the entire project will cost. I don't think they plan for the graphic designer. I can tell you that our homestudy agency was more expensive then they qouted us and I don't think they added in the extra money for fingerprinting and online classes, so basically we are already over budget for phase 1.
Up next....Phase 2 :)
With nothing new to report, I thought I would have a second Q&A session - How much does this all cost??
Sorry, but I don't think it is proper to post the actual dollar value online. I suppose a highly motivated person could just google the company or a similar company and find it out themselves. Instead I will go into how the money is spent, because that is interesting.
Our agency breaks it into 3 phases.
PHASE 1:
This is where we are now. This begins the moment we sign the contract and ends when we are chosen and agree to the match. This is also the biggest chunk of money at one time (well, actually it is split into 3 payments over 90 days). The money in this phase is guaranteed to the agency, so even if we put our account on hold or decide to not adopt, we still owe them the whole amount for the phase. The money spent here covers the cost of advertising for a birthmother and helps support their network of social workers for both birthmothers and adoptive parents. The way it was explained to us is that the amount we pay isn't to cover our costs specifically, but instead they figured out a while ago what their bottomline is (and I'm sure how much money they want to profit on top of that although they didn't say that) and divided it up amongst how many clients they generally have. This way the cost is less, supposedly, for everyone.
In this phase we were assigned our caseworker, made our profile, answered a million questions, and did the 2 online profiles. In addition to the money we paid the agency for this phase we also had to spend additional money for other necessary items.
First was the profile itself. While I wrote the text and gathered pictures, we hired the graphic designer to put it all together.). This is an option that for some reason most people do not take. I understnad it is an extra expense, but this is the most important part and in the end is just a drop in the bucket. We also had to pay to have it printed. We could have printed it ourselves on crappy paper, but with this being the most important part it really didn't seem worth it in the end, so professional quality it was with a professional price tag.
Second was the homestudy. We had to get a local agency to do this for us. They of course had a fee for themselves and since we live in the middle of nowehere we had to pay mileage for her to come to the house (which was annoying since we didn't have a choice - she had to come to the house for the site visit). On top of their fee we also had to get fingerprinted (twice since the first time ended up not being the correct way, so we had to redo it) and do the online classes.
Apparently, our main agency figures in the cost of the homestudy and printing into the big picture amount they quoted us the entire project will cost. I don't think they plan for the graphic designer. I can tell you that our homestudy agency was more expensive then they qouted us and I don't think they added in the extra money for fingerprinting and online classes, so basically we are already over budget for phase 1.
Up next....Phase 2 :)
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Online Profile #2 Is Up
It looks great!!! I really like this one a lot. Check it out and see. Most of these pics are in the hardcopy profile as well.
http://adoptionplanners.com/choosefamily3.php?id=328/dusty-&-sara
The designer for this website emailed me to let me know that it was up and running and at the bottom of the email had a PS that said something about as a fellow horsewoman that she loves our profile!
I really, really hope a birthmom agrees!
We also got our hardcopies in the mail yesterday. The one thing about this process that needs to be changed is that 1 single hardcopy needs to be printed in advance and mailed ot us fro us to check over first. It looks different in print than on a computer and there is 1 major change I would have made. In the computer format she had picked a nice rich brown that was still bright and had a wood grain type effect to give it depth. Well, none of that showed up in print. It just looks dark, very, very dark. Almost black dark :( There are only 2 pages with that color as the main color, so it isn't too bad.
If we end up going through all 50 without being chosen (or if it goes over badly and we get negative responses to it) and we need to reprint I will have her make that change. I would do it now except the printing was expensive and I don't think it is bad enough to reprint right now. Our caseworker has them as well and said they looked good.
Our caseworker said that she will give me a call early in the week to talk over how things work. I have a general idea, but she will fill me in on some more specifics. I plan on talking about the profile then and if she thinks the brown is too dark and that it will turn people away we may need to reprint (which adds time and money to an alreadys long and expensive process). I have some questions that have popped up since i originally asked a bunch and will get some answeres then.
A preview of questions:
1. How many new birthmothers do you tend to sign up a month?
2. How many new adoptive paretns do you sign up a month?
3. How many current adoptive parents are waiting? (They placed 150 babies lat year)
4. What is the normal time frame from choosing to birth? (I know that the earliest a birthmother can join the program is at the beginning of the 3rd trimester, but it can be as late as the day before delivery too)
There are some others, but those are the pressing ones.
http://adoptionplanners.com/choosefamily3.php?id=328/dusty-&-sara
The designer for this website emailed me to let me know that it was up and running and at the bottom of the email had a PS that said something about as a fellow horsewoman that she loves our profile!
I really, really hope a birthmom agrees!
We also got our hardcopies in the mail yesterday. The one thing about this process that needs to be changed is that 1 single hardcopy needs to be printed in advance and mailed ot us fro us to check over first. It looks different in print than on a computer and there is 1 major change I would have made. In the computer format she had picked a nice rich brown that was still bright and had a wood grain type effect to give it depth. Well, none of that showed up in print. It just looks dark, very, very dark. Almost black dark :( There are only 2 pages with that color as the main color, so it isn't too bad.
If we end up going through all 50 without being chosen (or if it goes over badly and we get negative responses to it) and we need to reprint I will have her make that change. I would do it now except the printing was expensive and I don't think it is bad enough to reprint right now. Our caseworker has them as well and said they looked good.
Our caseworker said that she will give me a call early in the week to talk over how things work. I have a general idea, but she will fill me in on some more specifics. I plan on talking about the profile then and if she thinks the brown is too dark and that it will turn people away we may need to reprint (which adds time and money to an alreadys long and expensive process). I have some questions that have popped up since i originally asked a bunch and will get some answeres then.
A preview of questions:
1. How many new birthmothers do you tend to sign up a month?
2. How many new adoptive paretns do you sign up a month?
3. How many current adoptive parents are waiting? (They placed 150 babies lat year)
4. What is the normal time frame from choosing to birth? (I know that the earliest a birthmother can join the program is at the beginning of the 3rd trimester, but it can be as late as the day before delivery too)
There are some others, but those are the pressing ones.
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