Deep breath. Things are good. Stress levels are better and we are excited. :)
We had our case worker, the attorney (and owner of the agency) and the financial lady all on the phone. Its a very confusing situation when you 5 people on involved in the same conversation!
We first discussed the financial questions that we had. Basically we are well above the budgeted average and there is nothing that can be done for it. The good news that came out of it is that they are willing to give us the 6 months post placement time to pay the phase 3 fees which we need and is a good thing. That helped alleviate a lot of stress right there because the last bill was due within 24 hours of us getting it and that was not fun.
Next we discussed what all to expect from this point forward. I know that attorneys (at least successful ones) generally are smooth talking and friendly, but if this is all a show he is darn good at it! I really enjoyed talking to him. Anyway...they basically have our back which was good to hear since so far they have been the silent partner in all of this. We only need our picture ids and they will have sent notification to the hospital in advance that we will be the adopting parents.
Once we head out there for the birth (less than 70 days away!!!!!!! :) we will be expected to not leave the hospital and act as the birth family. As long as the hospital has the room, we should get a private room where the baby will sleep with us. Our birthmother has requested (at this time anyway) to not have any involvement with the baby once he is born (she doesn't want to see him) so we will need to be there to feed and take care of him from the get go. She will sign a form giving us the ability to make all medical decisions once he is born too. Once the discharge is final a social worker from our agency will have her sign her consent for the adoption. This takes place at the hospital so that we part ways with us heading to the hotel with the baby and her heading home. Once there we have the baby in our custody but she can still change her mind until 5pm the next business day (if she has c-section thurs the 29th and gets discharged over the weekend we would have him through tues at 5pm). According to our case worker, if a birthmother is going to change her mind she does it prior to signing the paperwork and they have not had it happen after that. After 5pm we just need to wait for the interstate travel agreement to be official which the attorney says will take only 3-4 days. He said his experience is that WI takes 24 hours, fed ex to CA, then they take 24 hours. Then we can head home!! So total time shouldn't be the 2 weeks we thought :)
As we were finishing up the conference call the birthmother texted me that she had a dog question for Dusty :) He called her back and has been talking to her while I am writing this.
Honestly, I keep wavering between unbelievable excitement and smiles and happiness and a wariness that I don't want to be that way and get destroyed if she changes her mind. Deep breath.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Time keeps on ticking.....
I can't believe it has been since the 9th since my last post. Work has picked up a bit again and I kept getting home late the last 2 weeks. October will be much better though from a work stand point, but very busy outside of that.
What all has happened in the last 2 weeks?
Well, we have kept in touch with our birthmother a lot through emails and texts. She had another ultrasound done and texted me the pics which was awesome. Her last one is Oct 9th. Looking at our calenders there was really only 1 weekend available for a visit to California which is Oct 13th, so we will be heading out there on the 12th and getting back on the 14th. A whirlwind of a trip. I am not sure what all to expect or how much time she actually wants to spend with us. I have never been to California though, so I am sure we can find things to do :) One of my co-resident's wedding is that same weekend and we had hoped to go, but this trumps that and really is the only weekend available for us. ( I have an interview the weekend before, am on call the weekend after, and the last weekend I am in Miami at a conference)
We have a conference call scheduled with the attorney, our case worker and the financial woman on Tuesday evening. We have some questions for them regarding our account and things they never told us going in to the process that is a little irritating, but hopefully it will get worked out on Tuesday. During that call we should also get some help as to what to do, what to avoid and what to expect during our visit with the birthmother.
Our one biggest points of irritation which isn't our Agencies fault, but it IS their fault for not telling us in advance is that apparently we have to stay in California until the paperwork goes through for us to legally leave the state with the baby. This can take up to 10 days, but you have to add in the day in advance of the birth and then she has until 5 pm the day after she is discharged to change her mind and the trip becomes 2 weeks-ish. Now I KNOW this was never brought up in all our of pre-signing up talks and conference calls and was never mentioned in the paperwork. It wouldn't have changed our minds to go ahead and adopt with this agency or with this birthmother, but it would have been nice to not be surprised with this information AFTER we matched. 2 weeks in a hotel in California will get expensive and we did not budget for that. Also, that eats up half my maternity leave sitting in a hotel with an infant. The silver linining is that we will have 10 days or so to get to know him and his routines before boarding a plane and annoying everyone around us :) And that is time that Dusty and I can spend with him without nay worries about work or the pets or anythign else. We can just submerge ourselves in taking care of and loving him without distraction which will be amazing.
OH!! I got my first baby care package :) My mom sent me a little box of goodies for the baby. Here are some pics:
There were a few other things in there too - some onesies, baby shampoo and A&D ointment.
We also purchased a dresser this weekend for his stuff. It was only $10 at a garage sale. It needs a new coat of paint, but is really heavy, sturdy wood with nothing broken or warped. Now we will have a spot for all his things.
Will let you know how the conference call goes!
What all has happened in the last 2 weeks?
Well, we have kept in touch with our birthmother a lot through emails and texts. She had another ultrasound done and texted me the pics which was awesome. Her last one is Oct 9th. Looking at our calenders there was really only 1 weekend available for a visit to California which is Oct 13th, so we will be heading out there on the 12th and getting back on the 14th. A whirlwind of a trip. I am not sure what all to expect or how much time she actually wants to spend with us. I have never been to California though, so I am sure we can find things to do :) One of my co-resident's wedding is that same weekend and we had hoped to go, but this trumps that and really is the only weekend available for us. ( I have an interview the weekend before, am on call the weekend after, and the last weekend I am in Miami at a conference)
We have a conference call scheduled with the attorney, our case worker and the financial woman on Tuesday evening. We have some questions for them regarding our account and things they never told us going in to the process that is a little irritating, but hopefully it will get worked out on Tuesday. During that call we should also get some help as to what to do, what to avoid and what to expect during our visit with the birthmother.
Our one biggest points of irritation which isn't our Agencies fault, but it IS their fault for not telling us in advance is that apparently we have to stay in California until the paperwork goes through for us to legally leave the state with the baby. This can take up to 10 days, but you have to add in the day in advance of the birth and then she has until 5 pm the day after she is discharged to change her mind and the trip becomes 2 weeks-ish. Now I KNOW this was never brought up in all our of pre-signing up talks and conference calls and was never mentioned in the paperwork. It wouldn't have changed our minds to go ahead and adopt with this agency or with this birthmother, but it would have been nice to not be surprised with this information AFTER we matched. 2 weeks in a hotel in California will get expensive and we did not budget for that. Also, that eats up half my maternity leave sitting in a hotel with an infant. The silver linining is that we will have 10 days or so to get to know him and his routines before boarding a plane and annoying everyone around us :) And that is time that Dusty and I can spend with him without nay worries about work or the pets or anythign else. We can just submerge ourselves in taking care of and loving him without distraction which will be amazing.
OH!! I got my first baby care package :) My mom sent me a little box of goodies for the baby. Here are some pics:
There were a few other things in there too - some onesies, baby shampoo and A&D ointment.
We also purchased a dresser this weekend for his stuff. It was only $10 at a garage sale. It needs a new coat of paint, but is really heavy, sturdy wood with nothing broken or warped. Now we will have a spot for all his things.
Will let you know how the conference call goes!
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Conference call part 2
Hmmm...while I want to fill everyone in on every detail, I don't think that is appropriate. I will say what I think is fair game though.
My one burning question was why she chose us. Her answer was because she wanted a mother and a father that supported success. She liked that we were both doctors and felt like we would set him up and push success in his life. She wants him to go to college and get a good career and thought that parents who had gone down that road would be more likely to raise him to want that as well. Secondly, she had always been into horses growing up, but had only spent a small amount of time in lessons until the money ran out and she felt a commonality with us through that as well.
She was worried that our jobs could be very stressful. Her mother was a cardiac nurse and brought her job stress home with her frequently. I told her that while residency has been stressful at times, that I chose this field because of the generally flexible hours and no life and death type situations. Dusty also reassured her that his job is also nice in the fact that he can get challenged and there are cases he worries over, but that he is able to leave work at work most of the time.
There was a lot of personal talk about her situation and us and what we are expecting. It was nice and calming to talk to her because she is a very intelligent woman who knows what she wants. She has a plan and I am hopeful that things will work out.
As for the baby, she told us that she will not be naming him and that any name that we come up with will go on his birth certificate. That was exciting news!! Some women choose to name the baby and then the adoptive parents change it at the 6 month mark once everything is finalized. We are 99% sure we have agreed upon a name, but I won't reveal it just yet.
She also has a birthing plan. Talking to our case worker, she said that they send a social worker out to speak to the birth mother about 4 weeks before the due date to discuss this. I don't think it will be a long conversation. She said that she is having a c-section and that she does not want to hold the baby at all after he is born. She will not have any family or friends with her and asked that Dusty or I (or both if they let us) be present to accept the baby. We will then be cleaning him up and feeding him while they finish up working on her. After that she doesn't want ot see him or hold him at all during the hospitalization. It is not that she doesn't care for him, but that she has made up her mind that this is what is best and does not want emotions to overtake her in the end. This will be a very wonderful time for us if it goes according to the plan :)
She then asked us if we want her to pump for the first time so that he gets his colostrum. We agreed that this is important for him to have. She bottle fed her first son and said that she had tried pumping, but it did not work and she did not really produce anything. If she can do it, we would like her to pump just once for us and then he will be on formula after that.
She then offered suggestions on what worked best for her with her other son with diapers (she likes Luvs) and formula (she eventually liked simulac). She said that there are ready to feed bottles that are a little more pricey but are just mix in the bottle and go and that those are a life saver if you are in a hurry.
In the end we also agreed to go out and meet her and her first son in October. Our case worker had suggested a meeting prior to the birth to make it less awkward and our birthmother agreed. We will only be able to sneak out for a Fri-Sun, so not much time with her, but she understands that we need to save all of our time off for when the baby is here.
Then she sent me the ultrasound pics which were soooo amazing to see. She already referred to him as "your son" and it sent shivers down my back. I am being a little removed emotionally though because it will just be devastating if she does change her mind. If I can be a little removed until then at least it won't kill me.
We are going to keep in touch over the next month until we meet up with her and then continue that until the birth. So exciting!!! I never imagined going through all of this when I pictured being a mother, but I will tell you one thing. If any adopted child ever feels like they are unwanted, they should learn about the process because it is a huge ordeal and anyone who goes through all of this REALLY wants that child.
My one burning question was why she chose us. Her answer was because she wanted a mother and a father that supported success. She liked that we were both doctors and felt like we would set him up and push success in his life. She wants him to go to college and get a good career and thought that parents who had gone down that road would be more likely to raise him to want that as well. Secondly, she had always been into horses growing up, but had only spent a small amount of time in lessons until the money ran out and she felt a commonality with us through that as well.
She was worried that our jobs could be very stressful. Her mother was a cardiac nurse and brought her job stress home with her frequently. I told her that while residency has been stressful at times, that I chose this field because of the generally flexible hours and no life and death type situations. Dusty also reassured her that his job is also nice in the fact that he can get challenged and there are cases he worries over, but that he is able to leave work at work most of the time.
There was a lot of personal talk about her situation and us and what we are expecting. It was nice and calming to talk to her because she is a very intelligent woman who knows what she wants. She has a plan and I am hopeful that things will work out.
As for the baby, she told us that she will not be naming him and that any name that we come up with will go on his birth certificate. That was exciting news!! Some women choose to name the baby and then the adoptive parents change it at the 6 month mark once everything is finalized. We are 99% sure we have agreed upon a name, but I won't reveal it just yet.
She also has a birthing plan. Talking to our case worker, she said that they send a social worker out to speak to the birth mother about 4 weeks before the due date to discuss this. I don't think it will be a long conversation. She said that she is having a c-section and that she does not want to hold the baby at all after he is born. She will not have any family or friends with her and asked that Dusty or I (or both if they let us) be present to accept the baby. We will then be cleaning him up and feeding him while they finish up working on her. After that she doesn't want ot see him or hold him at all during the hospitalization. It is not that she doesn't care for him, but that she has made up her mind that this is what is best and does not want emotions to overtake her in the end. This will be a very wonderful time for us if it goes according to the plan :)
She then asked us if we want her to pump for the first time so that he gets his colostrum. We agreed that this is important for him to have. She bottle fed her first son and said that she had tried pumping, but it did not work and she did not really produce anything. If she can do it, we would like her to pump just once for us and then he will be on formula after that.
She then offered suggestions on what worked best for her with her other son with diapers (she likes Luvs) and formula (she eventually liked simulac). She said that there are ready to feed bottles that are a little more pricey but are just mix in the bottle and go and that those are a life saver if you are in a hurry.
In the end we also agreed to go out and meet her and her first son in October. Our case worker had suggested a meeting prior to the birth to make it less awkward and our birthmother agreed. We will only be able to sneak out for a Fri-Sun, so not much time with her, but she understands that we need to save all of our time off for when the baby is here.
Then she sent me the ultrasound pics which were soooo amazing to see. She already referred to him as "your son" and it sent shivers down my back. I am being a little removed emotionally though because it will just be devastating if she does change her mind. If I can be a little removed until then at least it won't kill me.
We are going to keep in touch over the next month until we meet up with her and then continue that until the birth. So exciting!!! I never imagined going through all of this when I pictured being a mother, but I will tell you one thing. If any adopted child ever feels like they are unwanted, they should learn about the process because it is a huge ordeal and anyone who goes through all of this REALLY wants that child.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
The Conference Call
We were VERY nervous about this. What do you say to a woman who you have never met, but knows a lot about you and is about to agree to something you've been dreaming of for a long time?
It helped that she was nervous too. Could you imagine being turned down by a prospectice adoptive family that you picked? I can't.
We are 2 hours ahead of CA time, so picking a time was a little dicey. It couldn't be before work obviously or she would have had to get up at 2 am. After work is hard because I never actually know when after work is going to be. Dusty is gone for the weekend to a conference and I am on call for the next 7 days. In the end we picked 11 am our time yesterday since Dusty doesn't head in to work until 12ish on Wed and my morning was light. Our case worker had said that the birthmother was very quiet and probably wouldn't say too much, so the time frame should work out.
Dusty drove to my work so we could sit in the car with my cell on speaker and talk with her. I called her at 11 and after we all said he, the phone disconnected. Her phone had dropped the call. I called her back and it happened again :( We were not off to a good start.
Things got back on track though and then there was that awkward moment when none of us knew really what to say to get the ball rolling. She asked me if I had any questions and I had 1 burning one: Why did she choose us?
That sparked the conversation and it just rolled on from there. We talked to her about sooooo much and only stopped after 1 hr 40 mins when I couldn't miss any more work. I learned a lot about her and what she is thinking about and I hope she learned a lot about us too. At the end we made plans to visit her for a short weekend in October to make the birth not so awkward and she really wants us to meet her 2 year old son as well. We also exchanged email and phone numbers so that we can keep in touch over the next 12 weeks. She really wants us to keep in touch with her over this time.
Afterward we felt so great about this match! :) It is a really good thing and we are so happy. I will fill you in on more of the conversation in my next post. After I went back to work I received a text from her and guess what it contained?????
Pictures of her ultrasounds!!!!!! :) I could see him and it was so amazing and it made it so much more real.
It helped that she was nervous too. Could you imagine being turned down by a prospectice adoptive family that you picked? I can't.
We are 2 hours ahead of CA time, so picking a time was a little dicey. It couldn't be before work obviously or she would have had to get up at 2 am. After work is hard because I never actually know when after work is going to be. Dusty is gone for the weekend to a conference and I am on call for the next 7 days. In the end we picked 11 am our time yesterday since Dusty doesn't head in to work until 12ish on Wed and my morning was light. Our case worker had said that the birthmother was very quiet and probably wouldn't say too much, so the time frame should work out.
Dusty drove to my work so we could sit in the car with my cell on speaker and talk with her. I called her at 11 and after we all said he, the phone disconnected. Her phone had dropped the call. I called her back and it happened again :( We were not off to a good start.
Things got back on track though and then there was that awkward moment when none of us knew really what to say to get the ball rolling. She asked me if I had any questions and I had 1 burning one: Why did she choose us?
That sparked the conversation and it just rolled on from there. We talked to her about sooooo much and only stopped after 1 hr 40 mins when I couldn't miss any more work. I learned a lot about her and what she is thinking about and I hope she learned a lot about us too. At the end we made plans to visit her for a short weekend in October to make the birth not so awkward and she really wants us to meet her 2 year old son as well. We also exchanged email and phone numbers so that we can keep in touch over the next 12 weeks. She really wants us to keep in touch with her over this time.
Afterward we felt so great about this match! :) It is a really good thing and we are so happy. I will fill you in on more of the conversation in my next post. After I went back to work I received a text from her and guess what it contained?????
Pictures of her ultrasounds!!!!!! :) I could see him and it was so amazing and it made it so much more real.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Phase 2 :)
I can't believe we are about to begin phase 2!!! It has only been 3 months that we have been presented to birthmothers :) Sorry in advance for the overload of smiey faces and exclamation marks in this post. I am just soooo insanely happy right now. It is a great feeling to know that we are desirable and someone out there trusts us for this. And I"M GOING TO BE A MOM!!
Ok....deep breath.
I don't think I should put too much detailed information about the birthmother here on the internet, but I can fill in some things.
As my last post said, we got the phone call on Friday. Our caseworker gave us the basic information - her due date, that it was a boy, where she was from, and some of her basic feelings from her conversation with the birthmother. She said that she would send us some information via email that night for us to look through. We have until tomorrow to decide if we are going to accept this match or not.
Friday night I stayed up super late looking through everything and it was a lot of information. It included her personal information - name, height, weight, eye color, address etc... It also had pictures of her. She included what information she could of the father which was basically his description. Then there was information regarding her past medical history and that of her family. I don't think it is right to put this out for everyone, but I will say that it is pretty benign. No drugs or alcohol throughout the pregnancy. She does smoke and has throughout - started at 1/2 pack per day and is at 3 cigs per day now. While this is not preferable, it is not a deal breaker for us either and according to our agent we would be hard pressed to find a birthmother who doesn't smoke. There is a grandmother with a mental health history, but after I researched it more and found out the genetics behind it we are okay with that too.
Last we got a ton of information about her prenatal care to date. And I mean a ton. Apparently it is quite rare that the birthmother goes to appointments and has care. It is one of the hardest things when adopting to deal with - the lack of control over the prenatal health and the fact that they don't seem to really care. Anyway, this is definitly not her. She has gone to every appointment and even above and beyond that. She does have a 2 year old son from a previous marriage who was born with a heart condition requiring heart surgery at 3 months old. Because of that she underwent a fetal echo that showed perfectly normal anatomy. This alone has made us love this woman - she is showing above normal care for this baby and he is getting the best prenatal care possible. She also wrote a paragraph as to why she is going through with the adoption which was interesting to read, but too personal for me to put on the internet.
Thats about it. Obviously we have decided to accept this match and we are on cloud 9. We are trying to not get our hopes up too much though. 10% change their mind at the time of birth. Oh! She is from California (yeah - california in november :) which is the BEST state because she only has 24 hours after the birth to change her mind. So we will know quickly if we get to bring him home or not.
There is sooooo much to think about right now. Our next step is a conference call with her sometime this week to ahve a chance to get to know her better and allow either or both of us to ask questions. Our caseworker doesn't think she will have too many questions for us and I really only have a couple myself - one being why she chose us although Dusty says he doesn't really care. More to come...
Ok....deep breath.
I don't think I should put too much detailed information about the birthmother here on the internet, but I can fill in some things.
As my last post said, we got the phone call on Friday. Our caseworker gave us the basic information - her due date, that it was a boy, where she was from, and some of her basic feelings from her conversation with the birthmother. She said that she would send us some information via email that night for us to look through. We have until tomorrow to decide if we are going to accept this match or not.
Friday night I stayed up super late looking through everything and it was a lot of information. It included her personal information - name, height, weight, eye color, address etc... It also had pictures of her. She included what information she could of the father which was basically his description. Then there was information regarding her past medical history and that of her family. I don't think it is right to put this out for everyone, but I will say that it is pretty benign. No drugs or alcohol throughout the pregnancy. She does smoke and has throughout - started at 1/2 pack per day and is at 3 cigs per day now. While this is not preferable, it is not a deal breaker for us either and according to our agent we would be hard pressed to find a birthmother who doesn't smoke. There is a grandmother with a mental health history, but after I researched it more and found out the genetics behind it we are okay with that too.
Last we got a ton of information about her prenatal care to date. And I mean a ton. Apparently it is quite rare that the birthmother goes to appointments and has care. It is one of the hardest things when adopting to deal with - the lack of control over the prenatal health and the fact that they don't seem to really care. Anyway, this is definitly not her. She has gone to every appointment and even above and beyond that. She does have a 2 year old son from a previous marriage who was born with a heart condition requiring heart surgery at 3 months old. Because of that she underwent a fetal echo that showed perfectly normal anatomy. This alone has made us love this woman - she is showing above normal care for this baby and he is getting the best prenatal care possible. She also wrote a paragraph as to why she is going through with the adoption which was interesting to read, but too personal for me to put on the internet.
Thats about it. Obviously we have decided to accept this match and we are on cloud 9. We are trying to not get our hopes up too much though. 10% change their mind at the time of birth. Oh! She is from California (yeah - california in november :) which is the BEST state because she only has 24 hours after the birth to change her mind. So we will know quickly if we get to bring him home or not.
There is sooooo much to think about right now. Our next step is a conference call with her sometime this week to ahve a chance to get to know her better and allow either or both of us to ask questions. Our caseworker doesn't think she will have too many questions for us and I really only have a couple myself - one being why she chose us although Dusty says he doesn't really care. More to come...
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