All this researching brought me to my final decision......domestic infant adoption. It seemed to fit what we are looking for. I looked at a lot of different agencies and some had scary statistics about wait lists. The majority work off a senority list - basically when your name comes up next you get the choice to accept the adoption or be put back on the list. While this seems like a sensable way to do it, it just doesn't seem like it takes into account personalities, life style etc...
Then I found the agency (which I think is technically really an independant adoption attorney service) that fit the bill. It is based out of California and has an extensive network. This is how it works:
-A birthmother makes the decision to adopt out the child and either through personally contacting the agency or through a program at local hospital/doctor's office, she gets set up with them. This service is nationwide and has birthmothers from every walk of life.
- She then makes a profile of what she is looking for in the prospective adopting parents: married or single, 2 genders or 1, race preferences, age, etc...
- There are counselling services that go on as well
The birthmother is only allowed to sign up no sooner than at the beginning of the 3rd trimester. This is to allow her to experience the milestones of the pregnancy such as hearing the heartbeat, feeling the kick and finding out the gender before commiting to the adoption.
- Once she has decided to adopt she is presented with a "profile" of all prospective people per her requests. This is an 8 1/2 x 11" color magazine full of pictures and information. This deseres an entire post of itself and will come soon.
- She picks her choice and then the lucky couple/person is informed. They get information about her, the child, and background (oh, each prospective adoptive couple also fills out a list of what they are looking for and only get presented to those that match it) and decieds to accept or not.
- Once matched a whole new world begins and I will get into that later.
Some quick facts:
- The average wait list for an infant for this agency is 6-12 months with the shortest being the next day and the longest 3 years in the 10 plus years they have been doing this
- The adopting parents are present for the delivery and usually are the first ones to hold the child. Plans are made to allow them a lot of time to decrease chances of the birthmother changing her mind.
- With everything in place there is still a 10% rate of the birthmother choosing to raise the child herself at the time of birth. If this happens, we get placed on an emergency list. (I can explain that more later).
This system sits well with me because it allows the birthmother to really get to know not only the parents but the lifestyle that she is choosing for her child. They have a high success rate of placement because the birthmother feels comfortable and happy with the choice instead of forced or lost. The agency said that it is surprising how well the matches end up because artistic women end up with an artistic family, outdoorsy with outdoors etc...
There are a million and a half things we need to get done now that we are signed up with this agency. It seems like a whirlwind, but it is all exciting. It feels great to be actively moving forward again. I think I am driving people nuts with my current obsession to get this done, but why sit on my butt when I can be getting things in order?
I think that agency sounds fabulous! It also would allow the adoptive parents and the birth mother to keep in contact, should they want to (I STRONGLY recommend this). My mom is adopted and searched HARD for *35 years* to find her birth mother. A few years ago she succeeded. 2 years after her birth mother had died. The good news is that she has met all of her other family--brothers and sisters, an aunt, a cousin she's become BFFs with, etc. But it's still sad that she never got to meet her mom, after so long of searching. (She's in the process of writing a book about her search process, btw.)
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