Since nothing new is really going on with the process at the moment (the profile is being reviewed by our caseworker at the agency and we are still working on courses and gathering the letters) I thought I would begin a Q&A session with the most commonly asked question that we get.
How "open" of an adoption are we planning on having??
First, let me explain what the difference even is.
Open adoption - this can take many forms but really it boils down to ANY communication between the birthmother and the adopting parents. It can be as simple as us sending a picture every year on the birthday or as complicated as visitations. There are definitely different ways to go about this - again we can choose to send pictures, emails or letters to her. We can allow letters or emails to be sent to us or through us to the child. We can even allow visitation between the two with us present. A complicating factor is that sometimes the grandparents do not agree with the birthmother decision to adopt and they want to visit or keep communication open with the child on their own.
Closed adoption - obviously this is the opposite. No communication whatsoever.
So which way to go? As with most things in life it isn't just as simple as what we would like or want. The birthmother has an equal opinion in the matter. She may want to move on and try to not think about her decision for various reasons (abusive relationship with the father, too young to handle it, cheated on significant other and got pregnant, or just can't handle thinking about the choice) and does not want any communication. This happens apparently quite frequently and no matter how badly we may want to contact her, it just won't happen. This is one of the things that gets discussed prior to the birth. We have also been told that while we may start out in a very limited open adoption (sending pictures) it may eventually evolve into emails, letters, phone calls and eventually visits. Some families become friends with the birthmother and her family in the end and have fairly close connections. Or the opposite can occur - we could start out with phone calls and plans for a visit and it may shrivel away to nothing.
But...just based solely on our opinion what would we do? We are comfortable (at this point in time) in a limited open adoption. Limited in the fact that we would be open to sending a birthday or Christmas picture and that is about it. No communication between the child and the birthmother or any other member of the family. After extensive discussions with the social worker who is herself adopted as well as numerous courses full of information we feel that a fully open adoption would be confusing to the child. It is hard enough growing up without the additional concern over "my adoptive parents say this and I don't like it, but my birthmother says this so there" to creep up.
We plan on saving any and all information that we have until the child is 18 and at that point in time we will assist and support any decision he/she may have in finding the birthmother. Our social worker knows who her birthmother is, but with a very close and loving relationship with her adoptive mother (she considers her her "Real" mom) she does not want to meet her. She told us that she already has a mother and has no need for anything else. Of course each person is different and handles things accordingly, but for us we do not want any communication between the birth family and the child until the child is 18 and decides for himself/herself to seek it.
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