As I am writing this Wyatt is crying in the background because Dusty is changing him and he hates to be changed. It is fitting though because Dusty is also in tears. I, however, am not. Why? Because I sobbed so hard I started vomiting in the Rite Aide parking lot and figured if I was to keep any sort of sanity it had to stop. For now at least.
This is going to be the hardest week of our lives. I don't even know how to do it or if I even can. It would help if family or friends were around to be here, but then again maybe it would just make saying goodbye that much harder with people around also crying, so maybe this is for the better.
As most should know by now, the birth mother signed all the papers except the 30 day waiver which waives her right to have 30 days to change her mind and change it to 5 pm tomorrow. Why is this so important? Because nobody trusts that she won't keep stringing us along for the rest of our lives as a power trip. She actually almost didn't sign anything - she was in a terrible mood for some reason and over a form that meant nothing almost walked out of the place. She was calmed back down, but refused to sign the waiver.
I talked to our lawyer and here is where we stand with this. We have all the paperwork we need to start the process of getting permission to go home. The agency will keep moving forward with that process. Our lawyer said that if by the time we get the okay to leave and go home, she still has not signed the waiver we are to give him back to her and not take him home. Why? Because they see her as revoking the placement at day 30 then refiling the placement paperwork only to give herself 30 more days etc... for a life long power trip and ability to have control over us. As much as we already adore Wyatt and the very thought of saying goodbye kills us to the core and leaves us hollow, we can't do that. We just can't.
He is going to call her again tomorrow over a few other forms she wouldn't sign and talk to her. He has some tricks up his sleeve and the hope is that her pendulum swings back to a level of sanity and she signs. If that doesn't work, he thinks that if we tell her to come get the baby we can't take him home and live in that much fear for that long, she will just sign. We can't push her too hard though because she has the right to file a law suit against us for the next 3 years if she felt coerced, bribed or otherwise forced into the placement. We have a thin line to tread.
So what are we doing? Heading as far away from Modesto as possible and heading south. We made it about 1-2 hours South before Wyatt got fussy over the lack of being held for so long. We will love him and head further south tomorrow. I don't know how we are supposed to love him so much for the next week just to say goodbye to him. But he deserves a good week if thats all we are allowed to give him and I won't take that away from him. Someone said that they had an adoption fall through and were happy in the end because it gave them the child they ended up with. I don't feel that way at all. I will forever, for the rest of my life love Wyatt and will forever think of him and miss him and wonder how he is doing. Even if we say goodbye on Saturday.
This is the single worst thing I can imagine to happen to someone. She doesn't love him. She has never even touched him. She just wants to have power over us. A part of me thinks we are bad people if we walk away from him. But how can we keep doing this? It wouldn't be healthy for him in the long run to have parents always looking over their shoulders and crying.
Please pray to whoever you believe in and keep us in your thoughts. We are devastated and hollow, but will be dedicated to love Wyatt for the next week because he is amazing and perfect and deserves everything in life. We just wish we could be the ones to give it to him. God help us if we do have to say goodbye because I really think it just might kill us.
Thinking of you
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